Who says?

So when I started this blog I suppose some assumed that the 365 days might be consecutive... obviously those people don't really know me lol...

This may come to a shock to some of you but I'm actually attending a church these days. Weird huh? I'm just as shocked as you are. However, when I found a place where to preacher says "It's not what we HAVE (our wealth, status, church building, latest gadgets, etc) but who we ARE (in Christ- a family PERIOD) and you want to finally stand up and say "OMG YES FINALLY" then you know you are home.

No church is perfect but there just may be one that's perfect for YOU. I am and have been for years personally one of church's biggest cynics... ya know- besides actual atheists- whom I know and love dearly for their candor and basic un-churchiness (yeah that's a word- my blog so shut up). I've often said that "I love Jesus but I could do with out most of His followers". I'm not super nice, I don't really like sugar coating things- in my opinion a sugar coated turd would still taste like shit and I'm not the type of gal who will feed you that.

I just want to encourage you the un-churched Christian right now. Most people will say "well just get into a church" and I say no. Wait. Wait. Wait. And then if you try and you still get queezy then wait some more. Guess what!? God will still love you. You won't fall off the tree and die. You won't go to hell because you didn't punch your church card. When you feel your heart being tugged toward a family again- then go and try it. Don't force yourself into something because it seems like the right thing to do. Sometimes in our walk church is the last thing we need. I'm sure there will be some that disagree with that statement but they aren't the ones that need to hear it.... HERE is all you need to know- GOD loves you just as you are period. So breath deep, rest, heal, and be still. It will all come together. Honest.

So I suppose here's the start of another journey for me and who knows? Maybe I'll do this for a few more days :) And then again maybe not.

As always... Love,
me:)

Day 58 The Mask

The truth is everyone wears one. But there is a special transformation in the presence of clergy. Although I struggle with this it is one of my personal pet peeves. Why act differently around a so-called "man of God" than you do around God Himself? I suppose it's because God isn't standing there in front of you. God isn't giving you disconcerting looks or sighs of disapproval.

Something it's taken me years to get into my head is that no matter how I act God isn't going to stand there and be surprised by my actions or be disappointed I acted a certain way. He isn't going to mumble under his breath...

Clergy, the kind I hold close to my heart, are much like Jesus in this fact. They are open-hearted, loving and forgiving as Jesus forgave them, showing grace. This is the kind of people of God I like close to me. I don't expect this behavior out of anyone else.

Maybe I'm off here but I'm of the mind set we should be able to be ourselves around each other as a family of Christ.

Love,

Me

Day 57 So I suppose spoiled isn't a fruit of the spirit...

Ever feel like your dream was just out of your reach? Like you can smell it, you can taste it, but you just can't grasp it. I've felt like that for a while now, like I'm sitting there waiting to be plucked cause I'm pretty sure I'm ripe but I'm hidden behind all the leaves....

Growing up as a much younger sibling and practically as an only child I'll admit most times I had gotten my way. I hate that now. I never get my own way in real life and realizing that sometimes life stinks was a very painful lesson.

So, how do I over come this in my life and how do I make it better for my children? Where do I find the balance?

I like to see my kids happy now, but wouldn't it be better to see them prosper in real life where it counts and lasts longer? I don't deprive my children for the sole purpose of making them better people, but choosing not to give in all of the time is a choice I am willing to live with.

I think it makes happier, more thankful children. My kids are appreciative of even the little things because they don't experience overload when it comes to christmas and birthdays, holidays are celebrated for what they are and not another halmark excuse for more presents.

One of the reasons I think I'm ok with this is because I've truly fostered a relationship with my children. I not only love them, I like them a lot. They are cool little people and I appreciate them for exactly who God made them. That gives them a sense of wellness and peace no toy could ever muster.

So is this what God is getting at? Trying to foster a true relationship instead of a "genie in a bottle" kind of scenario? What has God given or taken away from you? Was it God or your decision? What has it taught you?

Love,

me

Day 56 What's all the hub bub?

It's Easter time, even if you don't go to church or never heard the story you'll know from all of the obnoxious pastel bunny decorations in every store and restaurant. On the radio I heard Ryan Secrest refer to Easter as a "free pass to eat chocolate".... needless to say even I cringed, and lets just say I'm pretty hard to offend.

However, it got me thinking... why do we celebrate Easter? Minus the obvious reason of honoring the gift of salvation, which is a good enough reason on it's own. BUT why do I celebrate it and what makes it personal to me?

Through each stage of the cross from praying alone, to the betrayal, beatings, the horrific scene at the cross, to the last breath, and finally to the resurrection I can see myself in a much much smaller scale of my own life. I can see where I've been betrayed, beaten, and hung out to dry all for the sake of the cross. Nothing like what some in other countries endure! However where I really connect is the resurrection. I wonder if it's because I suffer from a form of depression which is dark and deadly at times. The thought of new life is exhilarating. Starting over with a clean slate. It makes my eyes brighter and my steps lighter.

If you are reading this and you don't know what kind of peace and joy a new life brings I beg you to simply ask God. Ask Him for forgiveness that your sins have won over your heart and that you can't control yourself sometimes. He understands and knows your heart so there is no need to be ashamed because He loves you despite the dark spots on your soul. Ask Him for a fresh start and a clean slate. Watch what He can do:)

Love,

Crystal

PS If you need any further help or prayer please contact me at kilby16@comcast.net and I'll be happy to walk with you on your journey!

Day 55 Humbled-short & sweet :)

I'm naturally humble... In the dictionary sense of being low in height... the other definitions I struggle with :)

1. Not proud or arrogant

2. Feeling of insignificance

3. Low in rank or importance

Why are we called to be humble? In my opinion it's because the opposite characteristics are an act or a facade. God wants us as we are, not as we want others to see us.

Love,

me

Day 54 Thirsty Thursdays....

I should call this blog 365 Thirsty Thursdays. It's easy to get inspired with 64 ounces of caffeine coursing through your veins. I woke up in a totally different mood though. Head and back hurting and everything in the world weighing on my shoulders. After some meds and a nap I'm sitting here with my son. Me on my computer, he on his. He's enjoying his first donut. EVER. Strawberry frosted with sprinkles. What could be better? :) Ok back on task...

When I write music I'm usually very sad or heavy hearted, when I write creatively for my blog I'm usually in a great mood- either caffeine induced or not, and when I'm crafty I'm usually manic. I'm wandering, is God always ready but we aren't? Or does he wait until our heart is tender and speak through us and to us? Well I suppose both could be true. I guess my real question is do we get in the way of God's greatness? I would have to say emphatically YES. I know I get in His way all of the time.... atleast I feel like it. Is that the truth or my low self esteem- always feeling "in the way"?

I'd like to get to heaven and find out I was mostly helpful. That God liked me, respected my character, not just loved me. Don't get me wrong- God's love is intense enough on it's own.... but I desire to be the kind of person Jesus would have been close to. I don't know how else to explain it but to use my personal experience in love. I love a lot of people deeply, but there are few I feel I can truly trust with me in entirety- my inner struggles, my heart, etc.

I want to be open, the kind of heart that stays soft to the yearnings of my God. Rather it be in my arts, my friendships, or my personal theology and ministry- I desire to be all out and sold out.

Love,

me

Day 53 Diligence- Holding the match till it hurts.

Diligence is a zealous and careful nature in one's actions and work, exemplified by a decisive work ethic, budgeting of one's time, monitoring one's own activities to guard against laziness, and putting forth full concentration in one's work.

I'm great at the zealous part, not very careful sometimes, very decisive, not great at budgeting ANYthing and hate laziness... I'm like- half there...

I get easily excited about things, amped up, energized and full of potential. Until I am not anymore. Then it's like moving a donkey. I just don't budge. I really don't like this quality in me sometimes- but then I can see the positives too. I'm like a match. I can get fired up, light others up, become too hot to handle(annoying), then I loose interest and fizzle out.

The one thing that I never lost hope in was God, I had never before recent events lost my zealous heart for God. Then life happened- piles of manure on my head until I was buried alive. From marital and family problems, losing jobs, cancer, you name it and it happened- NOTHING went right for years. It was a dark, despairing time for our family.

At the time I was about to fizzle out and lose all hope of re-kindling my heart for God and I thought by all intents and purposes I was a spiritual "gonner" I look back to realize no one dropped me. Well, atleast not the REALLY important ones that will love me through everything. Certainly not the one who set me on fire in the first place.

Held despite your potential to hurt is a humbling place to be.

Love,

me