Day 53 Diligence- Holding the match till it hurts.

Diligence is a zealous and careful nature in one's actions and work, exemplified by a decisive work ethic, budgeting of one's time, monitoring one's own activities to guard against laziness, and putting forth full concentration in one's work.

I'm great at the zealous part, not very careful sometimes, very decisive, not great at budgeting ANYthing and hate laziness... I'm like- half there...

I get easily excited about things, amped up, energized and full of potential. Until I am not anymore. Then it's like moving a donkey. I just don't budge. I really don't like this quality in me sometimes- but then I can see the positives too. I'm like a match. I can get fired up, light others up, become too hot to handle(annoying), then I loose interest and fizzle out.

The one thing that I never lost hope in was God, I had never before recent events lost my zealous heart for God. Then life happened- piles of manure on my head until I was buried alive. From marital and family problems, losing jobs, cancer, you name it and it happened- NOTHING went right for years. It was a dark, despairing time for our family.

At the time I was about to fizzle out and lose all hope of re-kindling my heart for God and I thought by all intents and purposes I was a spiritual "gonner" I look back to realize no one dropped me. Well, atleast not the REALLY important ones that will love me through everything. Certainly not the one who set me on fire in the first place.

Held despite your potential to hurt is a humbling place to be.

Love,

me

Day 52 & 1/2 Putting my money where my mouth is...

Following up on an early blog post to go full throttle on the creative endeavors...

My current projects are as follows:

HardCore Creations: An online shop with my personal jewelry creations!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/kilby16

Crystal Kilby, Singer & Song Writer: Finding my voice again after cancer & heartache.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Crystal-Kilby-Singer-Songwriter/146658262064809

365 Days Closer to God: YOU ARE HERE! :)

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support on my journey and I sincerely hope that I've touched at least one person in the process of finding me.

Love,

Me

Day 52 What am I so afraid of?

I've always gotten to this point in something- crafting, writing, singing, playing where it's not a block really but a fear... Of what? Accomplishing something? It's so dumb. All I've ever wanted to do is create and when I get a chance to put myself out there I freeze up.

Am I just afraid what I have to offer isn't good enough? Or maybe it is good enough and they expect more of it. What happens if I can't produce it when I need too? I've always been kind of slow creatively. I mean it takes me a while to finish something. It's mostly because I demand perfection from myself on a level no one else would ever really put on me.

I am extremely hard on myself and I know that, but when I open myself up to criticism and it's worse than what I do to myself it's sort of crushing. I'm scared what I have to say or do isn't good enough I suppose. For as much as I put myself through I still make mistakes. I can't come out with a perfect finished product every time. In fact, I can't be perfect at all. There is only one who is perfect.

So what am I afraid of? That I won't measure up to an impossible standard? I geuss in that sense my fears are real. BUT if I realize it's impossible and lay those fears to rest can I move on? They've seemed to stop me in my tracks ever since I can remember.

Today I start stepping out of the fear because I will never be perfect, but I do have something special inside.

Love,

me

Day 51 Just be you. No pressure.

I try my hardest to be me. Doesn't that sound strange? I mean if you are just being you, should you have to try so hard? I guess what takes effort is relaxing and letting things flow organically. That is such a radical concept for me.

My whole life I've morphed into what I needed to be in that situation. If I was at church I was one person, at home another, at family functions another.... it was exhausting. So I suppose this is much less stressful. I have less things to keep straight.

But here's the hang up. What if you don't know who you are? I know it sounds silly but what if you've been so busy being who you thought you should be for God, family or friends that you have lost the real you? Want my advice??

Start journaling, 5 minutes per day at first about you. What you like, love, hate, torques you to no end, makes your heart skip a beat... everything. Soon you'll start to learn who you are, who God made you. It really is beautiful to unwrap the gift of love He gave you for yourself.

Try it. Be you. No pressure.

Love,

me

Day 50 It's like breathing to me...

I recently heard a quote from Oprah ...

"when you are doing what you were created to do, it should feel like breathing"

There are so many things I love to do, but only one fits this description... music. Listening to it, playing it, singing it and writing it. I love to do it myself, with others, and I can't get enough of it. With age and trials comes wisdom to know that the only things I excel at are the things my heart is in. So what is my heart in? THAT should be where my energy is focused. So I am making a deliberate attempt to make that part of me the best it can be.

I want to leave this earth with as much talent as I have breath in my lungs.

Love,

me

Day 49: You and me together...

You and me together we can do anything.

-Dave Matthews Band.

Sometimes I wonder if God sings me love songs. I'm sure of it actually.

That alone has made my day.

Love,

me