Day 28 Crap happens...

There are few things in life you can count on, and you can chalk it up to the pessimist in me if you like, but one of those things is bad news.

It could be I grew up with the saying- bad things come in three's! SO even when things were going great I was waiting, because surely something awful was about to happen. Just typing this makes my stomach turn. How many wasted hours of our lives do we spend worrying, fretting, over analyzing or just plain petrified of what lies around the bend? In a way I hope when I get to heaven I can see a pie chart of my life... cause I know my God's just as crazy about them as I am- hehe! I want to know what percentage I spent sleeping, eating, planning, dreaming, and most of all I'm morbidly curious to see how much time I spend worrying.

If you really think about how useless worrying is, I can't help but think it's the devils most effective tool. When we worry, we do little else about the situation at hand- we aren't thinking of a solution, we aren't working toward an end, we are paralyzed by worry.

So how do we stop worrying? One thing I've learned about changing my behavior is that I must change my mind first. The very reason for this blog is to replace the lies in my heart with the truth. The truth about worrying is that in fact it does nothing, and keeps me from doing something. The truth from the bible I hold on to about being anxious is this:

John 16:33

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Love,

me

Day 27 Me me me! Pick me! What??? Never mind!

I almost started out today's entry with "we" but I'm trying to be real so I'll just fess up here instead of deflecting...

I am so eager to do stuff for attention, maybe it's the youngest child thing, maybe it's cause as a mom it's all about everyone else, maybe it's just how I'm wired. I have always admired stage crews, the behind-the-scenes people that make it all come together but get none of the credit. They aren't standing on the stage at the end of the big show bowing, they never get any applause, but they don't work any less than the actors. Wish I could be so humble.

I have a short attention span to boot so I'm in it till things get hairy or really hard and then I would start to wonder if it's "God's Will" or not..... I believe God's will is that we live life to the fullest and that includes ups & downs. Needless to say marriage has been interesting...but I'll leave that one for another day:)

When we are constantly seeking attention it is impossible to give anyone ours. When people sat at Jesus' feet He was there- not just His body, He was present with His whole self- giving, loving, experiencing, enjoying, ministering...

Which brings me to my favorite quote of all times, probably because I struggle with it everyday...

"Witness at all times. If necessary, use words." St. Frances De Sales

Love,

me

Day 26 Watermelon Juice...

Somethings my kids do just make me scratch my head. They aren't wrong or bad, just weird in my opinion. No matter what Jo is eating if there is juice left over he'll drink it, and Libby has to wait until I open the car door to take off her seatbelt. I try not to harp on them about it, I don't want to give them a complex. I just want them to figure things out on their own and if it's dangerous- I stop them and correct them.

I think a lot of things in our lives are similar to this, but because some people don't have anything else better to do they sit around and categorize EVERY thing into right and wrong when in reality some stuff just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Some stuff doesn't hinder or help people get to heaven, it just is.

Matthew 22: 37 says "Love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul and all your mind. Love your neighbor as yourself."

I think God put all these things in the order that best benefits us and is logical to Him. First we love Him with our heart- our emotions are tied to Him, then it grows deeper into our souls and our very being is intertwined with His, then finally the battleground of our minds because lets face it after the honeymoon phase love is a decision. Then next love your neighbor as yourself- I think we can only love us after we've learned what God sees in us... and THEN we can truly love others.

All of that stuff is important and if we're concentrating on the things that don't matter we miss it. So go ahead, drink the watermelon juice at the bottom of your bowl. It won't hurt:)

Love,

me

Day 25 What's this stuff comin' out my eyes?

Touched by God, my heart pounding, lump in my throat barely breathing

Forever and a day since I've felt the warmth of your power and I'm reeling

My eyes turned inward for so long, feeling pain, picking up pieces left by being broken and beaten

So easily forgotten or covered over by the masses so hard to see your hands in me not even glasses

Can undo the mire that's covered both my eyes

So spit into your hands and clear away the mud

I open up my eyes and out comes the flood

What is this stuff that escapes me so intently?

Tastes like salt water but so gently

It clears away the dark inside, the hurt that I have tried to hide,

the aching feeling leaves my soul, the tears come out and I feel whole.

Love,

me

Day 24 Gut check!

UGH! One of THOSE days... You know the kind right? Nothing on earth is set to move in your direction. You have to go against the grain to do anything at all- which if you have small children and you are a mom that counts going to the bathroom alone! Forget a shower! You drop everything, all you want is a nap, you work insanely hard but at the end of it you can show NOTHING because not one thing got finished, at the end your left exhausted and behind!

I wonder sometimes what heaven will be like because the opposite of one of those days is heavenly to me. I get things done that have been on my list forever, I have abounding energy, positive attitude and extreme focus. I feel invincible!

How messed up is that? My idea of heaven- being with and worshiping my creator for the rest of eternity- and I liken it to ME feeling invincible. Wow. Talk about a gut check.

So inward, so self centered, so unbelievably absorbed in my own world.

Lord help me.

Love,

me

Day 23 Tapestry? I have hard time seeing the thread...

For several years now I've heard people describe their spiritual life as a grand tapestry, God is the weaver and we can only see bits and pieces, or even the back of it- but we won't understand what all the ugly pieces are until we see the whole tapestry when life is o'er.....la la la...

To be honest I guess I'm just not that romantic anymore. Something has happened in me, it's not that I'm bitter and resentful, just more honest with myself than I used to be. I used to use all sorts of artsy colorful language to describe the Great I AM and my walk with Him. It was exhausting. He deserves grand exuberation and praise, but honest, wholehearted, stripped down to the bone worship --I think-- is what His true preference is... well at least I hope it is cause that's me.

I love God. I truly love Him. Not because of any wonderful thing I have to show for it here in my hands, but my heart is different. My mind is changed. My soul is more healed than it once was.

Scars will always be there to remind me where I've been, but God will always be there to tell me who I am.

Love,

me

Day 22 After cancer a good day is measured differently...

I woke up this morning.

I walked with out any pain.

I hugged my kids every chance I got.

I went to a baseball game, taught my boy to take off his hat as he gazed at the flag.

I stood for the national anthem and got tears in my eyes.

I sat next to a drunk guy who was very happy to be cheering on the team.

I got to see an old friend.

I got to help someone who needed it.

I got to be with my parents.

I got to hold my lovers hand.

I got to tell the people I care for I love them.

I get to go to bed with some peace.

Today was a good day.

Love,

me

Day 21 Distractions abound...

I need to fold that blanket, I should have hung up my guitar, wish kev would put his boots away so I don't trip, the kids didn't pick up their toys like I asked them, wonder if the postman went already? I really got to mail that package- maybe I'll go to the post office later, I can't I have to go to mom & pops, should I take lunch? I have heart burn, wonder where I put my Tums- oh they're right beside that unfolded blanket... you get the point.

My brain could be the death of me... When you have bipolar it's not the outward stuff that drives you nuts it's your own damn brain. Although fits of rage, moments of clarity, feeling invincible and then curling up in the fetal position waiting to die will reek havoc on everyone around you- it's not what usually bothers you as the bipolar person the most... it's the quiet when your brain goes places you never thought there was, very dark, very hidden, out of touch places. It's like walking into a cave that has many tunnels all interwoven and none of them go the same place but they all get dark very quickly and finding your way out proves almost impossible.

It's in these times my hope and peace dissipate faster than your cheap friend when the check shows up... Do I believe God loves me? Ofcourse. Do I think He likes playing tricks on me? To be honest yes sometimes I do. That doesn't mean it is true, it's just a feeling and feelings are ok to have no matter what ANYone tells you. The thing about feelings is you need to eventually track down the truth.

The truth has been a slippery thing to hang on to lately so I'm looking for it on purpose. So does He care about me? 1 in a bazillion that is here and has gone before me? My problems, my hang ups, my baggage, me- with my dreams?

As a Christian my truth is God's word so if I look at that it tells me-

Cast all your troubles on Him for He cares for you. I Peter 5:7

The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring

me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever

and ever. Amen. 2 Timothy 4:18

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:2

As a human I need proof. Just being honest.

Love,

me

Day 20 Guess I've put it off long enough...

I'm the worst procrastinator you'll ever meet. Some will read this and spit their coffee out because they know me... still....

When I miss a day of something, no matter what it is I can guilt myself until I am completely paralyzed. Medicine, work outs, writing, cleaning, if I can't do it everyday with some regularity I don't do it. It's not because I don't desire to... I just don't. I have many many flaws, but this is one character flaw in myself that I find absolutely irritating.

I heard someone say "You do what you want to do and you don't do what you don't want to do." It sounds so simple, yet it is so profound. There are goals in my life I'd like to think are attainable but this trait in me is so debilitating it's hard to think there is a light at the end of my tunnel.

So here's my second shot at being Closer to God cause out of all my goals this is the one I want the most.

Love,

me