My brain could be the death of me... When you have bipolar it's not the outward stuff that drives you nuts it's your own damn brain. Although fits of rage, moments of clarity, feeling invincible and then curling up in the fetal position waiting to die will reek havoc on everyone around you- it's not what usually bothers you as the bipolar person the most... it's the quiet when your brain goes places you never thought there was, very dark, very hidden, out of touch places. It's like walking into a cave that has many tunnels all interwoven and none of them go the same place but they all get dark very quickly and finding your way out proves almost impossible.
It's in these times my hope and peace dissipate faster than your cheap friend when the check shows up... Do I believe God loves me? Ofcourse. Do I think He likes playing tricks on me? To be honest yes sometimes I do. That doesn't mean it is true, it's just a feeling and feelings are ok to have no matter what ANYone tells you. The thing about feelings is you need to eventually track down the truth.
The truth has been a slippery thing to hang on to lately so I'm looking for it on purpose. So does He care about me? 1 in a bazillion that is here and has gone before me? My problems, my hang ups, my baggage, me- with my dreams?
As a Christian my truth is God's word so if I look at that it tells me-
Cast all your troubles on Him for He cares for you. I Peter 5:7
The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring
me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever
and ever. Amen. 2 Timothy 4:18
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2
As a human I need proof. Just being honest.
Love,
me
Oh Crystal, I love you described bipolar. The outside stuff is so much easier to deal with than what I can do to myself in my head. I really do think that nobody can hurt me more than I have hurt myself.
ReplyDeleteProof....His proof....is in the struggles, beleive it or not. It is when you get to the end of all that you beleive, all that you thought was true, and find the truth was there the whole time throughout the pain; it just couldnt be seen clearly because of the darkness that surrounded. His pure (note the word pure, because His is the only completely pure, unconditional love there is) love is always surrounding you even in that really dark place, and His hand is enveloping yours, and because He went into that darkness before/ for you....He can be trusted to protect you forever
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