Day 45 Cancer Sucks.

Whether you have it, lived with it, had a scare of it, or watched someone die of it you've been affected by it somehow.

Cancer is it's own special beast, like war it challenges you to a battle and although with medicine most make it out alive there are those soldiers who lie on the battlefield and struggle to take their last breaths. Much like war it leaves it's scars on your psyche. It's the one thing I'm truly scared of.

I read a book "When God and Cancer Meet" once and in it was a quote "God doesn't always take the cancer out of the patient, but He can always remove the patient from the cancer." God doesn't always heal us. That's a scary prospect but knowing that God always delivers makes it a little more palatable.

I want to believe that if this test comes back that cancer has returned it won't destroy me and my family. I want to hold on to the fact you've brought me through it before. God I want to believe, I do- help my un-belief. (Mark 9:24)

Love,

me

Day 44 Grace & Beauty

The amount of grace you can show is directly proportionate to the grace you've been shown...

Grace is a funny thing. We have to let it rain over us. God is a gentleman, never forcing Himself into our lives. The only way that grace has truly drenched me in it's light is when I've come face to face with my human nature, realizing how short I fall from what God deserves out of me. That's the beautiful thing about grace though... the more we acquire, the more we are equipped with to show others.

So next time you run into a "Christian" who is lacking in grace, pray for them. Although it can be terribly difficult to swallow words of a person who professes Christ with their label and deny Him with their actions remember that theirs is a terrible place to be:

To have the knowledge of what Jesus has done for them and not have reaped the benefit of it's beautiful redemption.

Love,

me

Day 43 You make everything glorious- what does that make me?

Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact I've been searching for my place in God's family for a very long time. It seems ever since I dropped my facade and started realizing who it was I really am it suddenly became hard to put myself back into the same surroundings. I imagine it's how a butterfly feels when it first comes out of the cocoon.

I was wrapped up in myself and my agendas for so long that when it came time to fly my wings were still wet. Every time I tried I'd fall flat on my face. It seemed like me as a new creation was a hindrance at first. I felt alone, cut off from my friends and family; some are butterflies like me, but most are still in their cocoon because God isn't finished with them yet.

Every fall made me stronger, and my wings became lighter, my wisdom grew... but they still hurt. A lot. God is not done with me by any means, but now I can soar free from the bondage of guilt and the oppression of shame. I am me, who God made- a glorious creature.

Love,

me

Day 42: If you feel far away from God guess who moved? GRrrr!

This has to be my most hated Christianese statement.... I would argue it does not have any relevance and that it is over used and totally misused. Whenever someone is struggling with their faith our having some doubt or just miss the mountain top experience or they long to be closer to God this is what they hear- although sometimes there are good intentions...

Is there really ANYthing we can do to make our relationship with God? Can we strive to be more like Christ and "feel" closer to Him? YES! Could we take a wrong path and "feel" further from Him? YES! BUT! BUT BUT BUT!!! Do we actually place ourselves closer or further from God by doing these things? I would say no. We don't do anything to warrant his love and we can't do ANYthing to seperate ourselves from it. So why on earth would we throw around this sediment and guilt people into acting the way we think they should?

We are created uniquely, but still in His image. We will each follow Christ just a little bit differently and have our own experiences. Mine has shown me that I do not have the love of a saviour because of me or anything I do or have done and THANK GOD it can't be lost because of me or anything I will do.

It just is. He just is. Thank you LORD!

Love,

me

Day 41 You are an awful person, here's a bible...

Never once did anyone guilt me in to being closer to God. That's all I have for today. So next time you share Jesus with someone please make sure you are doing it with Him in mind.

Love,

me

Day 40 Again...and with more feeling.

What a crappy day. My anger has been uncontrollable, I'm irritable, a loose cannon, a complete pain in the butt. I not only feel bad for feeling this way, but then you heap on guilt for being like this and anger for being bipolar and depression because I can't fix it and by the time I'm done I am in the fetal position crying my eyes out. What happened? Seems like yesterday I was on cloud nine?

This yo-yo is unbearable. I feel, I react, I feel, I react, I feel... you get it. No matter what the emotion is I react to it and then it triggers something else in me and right now after a bag of chips, a bowl of ice cream, an anxiety pill and a crying fit I feel no better. In fact I feel worse.

God, I don't get it. Why did you make me this way? It makes me feel like a complete failure or an utter lunatic. I can't stand either. I pray, I read my Bible, I counsel with friends and professionals, I am literally trying everyday to get better, but I still feel so broken. I hate this. I just thought you should here it from me... since I know you know it already.

Love,

me

Day 40 A milestone of Biblical proportions...

The number 40 is used in the Bible over 85 times and is always surrounded by some sort of monumental change taking place....

The flood... it rains for 40 days and 40 nights to cleanse the earth and start over

The "Tablets"... Moses was on the mountain 40 days (twice) in communion and fasting with God, he came down renewed and "glowing"

The Israelites... spent 40 years in the wilderness looking for the Promise land

Goliath... he came 40 days in a row, twice a day to challenge the Israelite army before being killed by David

Jesus... fasted for 40 days in the wilderness

After the Crucifixion... Jesus shown himself for the next 40 days speaking of the Kingdom of God

I'm not superstitious or anything but I find it interesting and exciting that I find myself 40 days (entries) into this blog and thought I started it out a changed person- only to realize that was just the beginning! I think differently now than I did when I started.

I suppose I bring this whole thing up because normally change scares us. It's funny because the change God has in store is always better for us and more beneficial... but even if the change is from God we run in the opposite direction because it's not comfortable. I know because I do the same thing.

Our God calls us to make "baby steps" otherwise he wouldn't have used the mustard seed (1-3mm in diameter) as an example of how much faith He wanted from you.

So right now I'm challenging you to do something for 40 days. There is something on your heart right now that is pressing and almost choking the life out of you because it's so stressful. Each morning you wake up think of that thing and give one little part of it to God at a time. For me it's a relationship... a bad one. The first thing I'm trying to let go of is my expectation of that person to be anything but what they are. Tomorrow who knows? I'm sure it will come to me because God always meets me where I'm at.

Love,

me