Day 52 What am I so afraid of?

I've always gotten to this point in something- crafting, writing, singing, playing where it's not a block really but a fear... Of what? Accomplishing something? It's so dumb. All I've ever wanted to do is create and when I get a chance to put myself out there I freeze up.

Am I just afraid what I have to offer isn't good enough? Or maybe it is good enough and they expect more of it. What happens if I can't produce it when I need too? I've always been kind of slow creatively. I mean it takes me a while to finish something. It's mostly because I demand perfection from myself on a level no one else would ever really put on me.

I am extremely hard on myself and I know that, but when I open myself up to criticism and it's worse than what I do to myself it's sort of crushing. I'm scared what I have to say or do isn't good enough I suppose. For as much as I put myself through I still make mistakes. I can't come out with a perfect finished product every time. In fact, I can't be perfect at all. There is only one who is perfect.

So what am I afraid of? That I won't measure up to an impossible standard? I geuss in that sense my fears are real. BUT if I realize it's impossible and lay those fears to rest can I move on? They've seemed to stop me in my tracks ever since I can remember.

Today I start stepping out of the fear because I will never be perfect, but I do have something special inside.

Love,

me

Day 51 Just be you. No pressure.

I try my hardest to be me. Doesn't that sound strange? I mean if you are just being you, should you have to try so hard? I guess what takes effort is relaxing and letting things flow organically. That is such a radical concept for me.

My whole life I've morphed into what I needed to be in that situation. If I was at church I was one person, at home another, at family functions another.... it was exhausting. So I suppose this is much less stressful. I have less things to keep straight.

But here's the hang up. What if you don't know who you are? I know it sounds silly but what if you've been so busy being who you thought you should be for God, family or friends that you have lost the real you? Want my advice??

Start journaling, 5 minutes per day at first about you. What you like, love, hate, torques you to no end, makes your heart skip a beat... everything. Soon you'll start to learn who you are, who God made you. It really is beautiful to unwrap the gift of love He gave you for yourself.

Try it. Be you. No pressure.

Love,

me

Day 50 It's like breathing to me...

I recently heard a quote from Oprah ...

"when you are doing what you were created to do, it should feel like breathing"

There are so many things I love to do, but only one fits this description... music. Listening to it, playing it, singing it and writing it. I love to do it myself, with others, and I can't get enough of it. With age and trials comes wisdom to know that the only things I excel at are the things my heart is in. So what is my heart in? THAT should be where my energy is focused. So I am making a deliberate attempt to make that part of me the best it can be.

I want to leave this earth with as much talent as I have breath in my lungs.

Love,

me

Day 49: You and me together...

You and me together we can do anything.

-Dave Matthews Band.

Sometimes I wonder if God sings me love songs. I'm sure of it actually.

That alone has made my day.

Love,

me

Day 48: Giving your all...

I've always since I can remember given away everything. I felt like it made other people happy. I had this one friend asked me for stuff all of the time and I would give her some of my most prized possessions only to regret it later. My mom would get mad at me, but I wondered why? Doesn't it make you a good person to give? I guess it's all in your motivation.

My motivation has mostly been making others happy so they like me. I've heard sermons that have guilted me into giving before so I'd make a one time gesture only to follow it up by months of not giving at all. The simple fact is that God likes me whether I give or not.

The love I've received from God has made me love in a totally different way, with reckless abandonment. I find myself giving now for the soul purpose of blessing someone else. It is a blessing in itself to bless someone else with a gift free of obligation to reciprocate.

It's the kind of giving God has bestowed on us. Giving His all for us.

Love,

me

Day 47: It's on now.

Ever get that feeling you've had enough of mediocrity? I'm there. I've been hanging on, surviving but I can't remember the last time I was thriving. God made me to thrive! Not to just sit around and grow mold. This is my year. This is my time, what other time is there? Am I supposed to be waiting for some divine moment to shine? Some time in the space time continuim to open up and light to heat my face with an angelic chior singing my ultimate God-given purpose to me? Or am I supposed to decide to do what it is that God set on my heart when I was born. Actually just decide to go for it no matter what the consequences be.

Screw SATAN! He can't have me anymore I'm finished being his tool by not doing a thing to live out my purpose. I've had enough of being scared. Being scared of cancer, of being looked at as odd, being scared of what people MIGHT think about me. It doesn't matter. If you don't like it, guess what? There's the door... or in this case the exit button.

It's on now.

Day 46 It's only 18" from your head to your heart, sometimes it seems like miles.

My mind is in an uproar here and I can't seem to slow it down.

Thoughts are racing, legs are pacing, fingers drumming round.

What if? What then? What will be my destiny?

I am the King's and He is mine no matter what life brings.

by Crystal Kilby circa early 1990's

When my dad was being operated on to give him a PCD (Pacer/ Cardio-Defibrillator) I buried myself in the medical library. I couldn't stand the notion my dad wouldn't be around to see me graduate, get married or have my first kid. I was overwhelmed with emotion and the only way I could muddle through it was to understand what the doctors were talking about. So I wrote down everything and instead of waiting idly by in the waiting room I went to the medical library of the Geisinger hospital and sat and read everything I could get my hands on. Funny, I actually wrote my term paper on "Ventricular Tachycardia" and tried to explain a new type of it called "Super V Tach" that they said my dad suffered from. My dad has lived another 15 years and swears he'll be around 10 more!

I've always found a way to process, we all do. It's not always the same as you, so be patient and know that God is working in them too. Even through the medical journals and dictionaries and piles of books God spoke words of peace to me, but my brain had to catch up to my heart (or vise versa) and sometimes that takes time.

Just like in real life, sometimes it gets dark in your spiritual life. You can't see the sun, it doesn't mean it isn't there. Look for your moon. The one who reflects his light constantly in your life. Like PL said to me once, "When hope is hard to find, you can borrow mine." Find that person to lean on until the sun comes out again. Here are some scriptures I hang on to with all my life...

"Be still and know that I am God" Ps 46:10

"Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you." I Peter 5:7

"In this world you will have many troubles, but take heart- I have overcome the world!" Jn 16:33

God give me peace and rest. Remind me every moment that you are in the tiniest detail to the biggest obstacles. You are always here.

Love,

me