Day 48: Giving your all...

I've always since I can remember given away everything. I felt like it made other people happy. I had this one friend asked me for stuff all of the time and I would give her some of my most prized possessions only to regret it later. My mom would get mad at me, but I wondered why? Doesn't it make you a good person to give? I guess it's all in your motivation.

My motivation has mostly been making others happy so they like me. I've heard sermons that have guilted me into giving before so I'd make a one time gesture only to follow it up by months of not giving at all. The simple fact is that God likes me whether I give or not.

The love I've received from God has made me love in a totally different way, with reckless abandonment. I find myself giving now for the soul purpose of blessing someone else. It is a blessing in itself to bless someone else with a gift free of obligation to reciprocate.

It's the kind of giving God has bestowed on us. Giving His all for us.

Love,

me

Day 47: It's on now.

Ever get that feeling you've had enough of mediocrity? I'm there. I've been hanging on, surviving but I can't remember the last time I was thriving. God made me to thrive! Not to just sit around and grow mold. This is my year. This is my time, what other time is there? Am I supposed to be waiting for some divine moment to shine? Some time in the space time continuim to open up and light to heat my face with an angelic chior singing my ultimate God-given purpose to me? Or am I supposed to decide to do what it is that God set on my heart when I was born. Actually just decide to go for it no matter what the consequences be.

Screw SATAN! He can't have me anymore I'm finished being his tool by not doing a thing to live out my purpose. I've had enough of being scared. Being scared of cancer, of being looked at as odd, being scared of what people MIGHT think about me. It doesn't matter. If you don't like it, guess what? There's the door... or in this case the exit button.

It's on now.

Day 46 It's only 18" from your head to your heart, sometimes it seems like miles.

My mind is in an uproar here and I can't seem to slow it down.

Thoughts are racing, legs are pacing, fingers drumming round.

What if? What then? What will be my destiny?

I am the King's and He is mine no matter what life brings.

by Crystal Kilby circa early 1990's

When my dad was being operated on to give him a PCD (Pacer/ Cardio-Defibrillator) I buried myself in the medical library. I couldn't stand the notion my dad wouldn't be around to see me graduate, get married or have my first kid. I was overwhelmed with emotion and the only way I could muddle through it was to understand what the doctors were talking about. So I wrote down everything and instead of waiting idly by in the waiting room I went to the medical library of the Geisinger hospital and sat and read everything I could get my hands on. Funny, I actually wrote my term paper on "Ventricular Tachycardia" and tried to explain a new type of it called "Super V Tach" that they said my dad suffered from. My dad has lived another 15 years and swears he'll be around 10 more!

I've always found a way to process, we all do. It's not always the same as you, so be patient and know that God is working in them too. Even through the medical journals and dictionaries and piles of books God spoke words of peace to me, but my brain had to catch up to my heart (or vise versa) and sometimes that takes time.

Just like in real life, sometimes it gets dark in your spiritual life. You can't see the sun, it doesn't mean it isn't there. Look for your moon. The one who reflects his light constantly in your life. Like PL said to me once, "When hope is hard to find, you can borrow mine." Find that person to lean on until the sun comes out again. Here are some scriptures I hang on to with all my life...

"Be still and know that I am God" Ps 46:10

"Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you." I Peter 5:7

"In this world you will have many troubles, but take heart- I have overcome the world!" Jn 16:33

God give me peace and rest. Remind me every moment that you are in the tiniest detail to the biggest obstacles. You are always here.

Love,

me

Day 45 Cancer Sucks.

Whether you have it, lived with it, had a scare of it, or watched someone die of it you've been affected by it somehow.

Cancer is it's own special beast, like war it challenges you to a battle and although with medicine most make it out alive there are those soldiers who lie on the battlefield and struggle to take their last breaths. Much like war it leaves it's scars on your psyche. It's the one thing I'm truly scared of.

I read a book "When God and Cancer Meet" once and in it was a quote "God doesn't always take the cancer out of the patient, but He can always remove the patient from the cancer." God doesn't always heal us. That's a scary prospect but knowing that God always delivers makes it a little more palatable.

I want to believe that if this test comes back that cancer has returned it won't destroy me and my family. I want to hold on to the fact you've brought me through it before. God I want to believe, I do- help my un-belief. (Mark 9:24)

Love,

me

Day 44 Grace & Beauty

The amount of grace you can show is directly proportionate to the grace you've been shown...

Grace is a funny thing. We have to let it rain over us. God is a gentleman, never forcing Himself into our lives. The only way that grace has truly drenched me in it's light is when I've come face to face with my human nature, realizing how short I fall from what God deserves out of me. That's the beautiful thing about grace though... the more we acquire, the more we are equipped with to show others.

So next time you run into a "Christian" who is lacking in grace, pray for them. Although it can be terribly difficult to swallow words of a person who professes Christ with their label and deny Him with their actions remember that theirs is a terrible place to be:

To have the knowledge of what Jesus has done for them and not have reaped the benefit of it's beautiful redemption.

Love,

me

Day 43 You make everything glorious- what does that make me?

Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact I've been searching for my place in God's family for a very long time. It seems ever since I dropped my facade and started realizing who it was I really am it suddenly became hard to put myself back into the same surroundings. I imagine it's how a butterfly feels when it first comes out of the cocoon.

I was wrapped up in myself and my agendas for so long that when it came time to fly my wings were still wet. Every time I tried I'd fall flat on my face. It seemed like me as a new creation was a hindrance at first. I felt alone, cut off from my friends and family; some are butterflies like me, but most are still in their cocoon because God isn't finished with them yet.

Every fall made me stronger, and my wings became lighter, my wisdom grew... but they still hurt. A lot. God is not done with me by any means, but now I can soar free from the bondage of guilt and the oppression of shame. I am me, who God made- a glorious creature.

Love,

me

Day 42: If you feel far away from God guess who moved? GRrrr!

This has to be my most hated Christianese statement.... I would argue it does not have any relevance and that it is over used and totally misused. Whenever someone is struggling with their faith our having some doubt or just miss the mountain top experience or they long to be closer to God this is what they hear- although sometimes there are good intentions...

Is there really ANYthing we can do to make our relationship with God? Can we strive to be more like Christ and "feel" closer to Him? YES! Could we take a wrong path and "feel" further from Him? YES! BUT! BUT BUT BUT!!! Do we actually place ourselves closer or further from God by doing these things? I would say no. We don't do anything to warrant his love and we can't do ANYthing to seperate ourselves from it. So why on earth would we throw around this sediment and guilt people into acting the way we think they should?

We are created uniquely, but still in His image. We will each follow Christ just a little bit differently and have our own experiences. Mine has shown me that I do not have the love of a saviour because of me or anything I do or have done and THANK GOD it can't be lost because of me or anything I will do.

It just is. He just is. Thank you LORD!

Love,

me