Day 34 WINDEX PLEASE!

I had a dream... in it there were walking mirrors, each had a different reflection, I walked from one to the next and I was either distorted, or too short or too fat... none of them reflected me as I thought I was. I started to cry and felt a warmth behind me, I turned and there was a large, sparkling, mirror that went as far as I could see and in it was me and no one else... all of the other mirrors disappeared and I was all that was left. My reflection was not distorted just kind of foggy so I kept rubbing my eyes squinting to see what I REALLY looked like. The more I tried the clearer things got and I could see things I didn't know were there, scars and all. Although it wasn't how I had pictured myself it was the clearest reflection there was and I felt completely at peace with it.

I had this dream many years ago and I have never understood it until now. I think God was foreshadowing what I was going through this dark dessert time for. I have come to this point in me where I am starting to see myself as God sees me- honestly with my flaws and my strengths. The question is what do I do with this new information? Do I just accept it as my lot in life or do I ask myself "now what?" and try to navigate through life with this new information as my tool to make myself a healthier person?

It seems to me I've spent most of my life just "accepting" my lot and saying " *sigh* that's just how God made me"... but I stop and think, God didn't make me broken, He didn't make me scared, He didn't make me easily frustrated, quick to judge, even quicker to build walls rather than boundaries. I don't believe those things are naturally me, but what is? How many of us really know who we are when it's so much easier to drown out the hurt and shame with any one of the distractions at our finger tips? Besides it hurts so badly to peel the bandage off to see what's underneath.

The thing that is so awesome about God is that he doesn't expect you to jump in with both feet, he just wants a little effort, a tiny step and He can do unimaginable things with it.

The seeds of a mustard plant. Though a seed is very small, yet the height of the plant which grows from it is very great. (Matt. 13: 31)

Day 33 I'm hungry...

Did you ever get a craving for something like pizza and there isn't any in the house? You don't have the money to order out and there isn't anything in the fridge to make some so you eat something else, usually followed by something else and topped with more of something else. Nothing else seems to satisfy that craving except for the real thing. No matter how much we substitute other things, no matter how initially satisfying they are- it just doesn't compare.

When I was pregnant all I wanted to eat was cereal and ice cream I could not get enough milk products. After giving birth the doctors informed me of a calcium deficiency!

So stop and listen. Listen to your soul. Get quiet, alone, and listen. What are you craving? What is the one thing you desire? The answer may surprise you.

It surprised me.

Love,

me

Day 33 Imprisoned

I don't think it's an accident there are many times in the Bible believers have found themselves in prison. The word is found in the Bible 90 times. In most cases the person was wrongfully placed there or put there because of their beliefs. My question to you is this...

Are you in prison because of your beliefs?

Obviously I'm not speaking of a literal prison, but a place in your heart and mind where you feel trapped or constrained by your beliefs-held back, pinned down, suffocated even. Maybe you feel oppressed by others beliefs. Either way it seems backwards to me.

I had found myself feeling more and more constricted. I didn't have peace and freedom which was what God had promised me. Was it because God was lying or had I built so many walls and chained myself down with doctrine that I felt like I was being held hostage. Jesus came so that we may have life and have it abundantly. The very definition of abundant is plentiful or more than we need, so why do we walk around like zombies?

My theory is that I try to have everything I want instead of waiting for God to supply all I need. I interrupt His blessings with my agenda, I ignore his grace and wear my sin like a millstone, and I choose to focus on my past with all it's failures rather than a future of hope that He has promised me.

Love, at a certain point, is a decision. So just as I make a conscious decision to brush my teeth I have to decide to love me enough to let God close enough to break away the walls and cut the chains.

Then, when I am open and vulnerable, eyes squinting at the new found light, I will be free.

Love,

me

Day 32 Amazing Grace

"Grace means............ there is nothing we can do to make God love us more. And Grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us less." - Philip Yancey

Someone once told me that you show grace to the measure you have been shown. It seems almost contradictory to what I was brought up thinking that the more grace you show to others the more is shown to you. The longer I live the more I believe the first one more. You see I've always been a very cynical and judgmental person. Although I hated this trait I could not change it on my own. Until I had been shown the full depth of the grace of God I didn't understand what this supernatural thing grace really was.

Before I started this blog I went through a time of what now I can identify as "Christian Atheism" which meant I knew there was a God but I lived as though He did not exist*. I was sure that God kept a score card on everyone, if you do good- good things happen and vise-versa. I had been saved since I was 7 and I didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, or sleep around I had been a good Christian for so many years so why was I suffering so much? I saw the wicked progress daily... so I cursed Him, turned my back, stopped going to church and even got a visceral reaction when I heard people talk of His "goodness".

I was so busy getting rid of all the bad doctrine and false promises that I dumped all the good and real stuff too. I had forgotten all the words and promises from scripture. Promises that God wants me to prosper and not to plummet, that I was a child of the King, that I had a free will to change my circumstances, yet others had a free will to hinder me or even hurt me, but God loves me all of the time no matter what.

Even though I had turned my back on Him and all He had taught my heart and done in my soul He started to soften my heart. I did nothing to deserve it, I'll never repay Him, and I can't promise to never question again but He loves me just the same.

And that my friends is Amazing.

Love,

me

*The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel

Day 31 Burn the witch!

I like how all of us adults have relegated bullying to the youth... We fail to see the grown up versions of bullying like emotional abuse, verbal assaults based on our own moral judgment calls and finally manipulation. I see all of these things on a daily basis in places like family, church and with in adult friendships. How do we expect our children to act differently?

It's so easy to peg people into categories and then judge them accordingly- which is funny because we all have our own versions of what the worst sin is. You talk to some people and they would rather sit next to an bank robber than a homosexual.

We hear stories of how in the old times they would burn you if they thought you were a witch or throw you over a cliff... if you flew back up in the sky you were a witch and got away, however if you were innocent you plummeted to your demise.

Have you bullied anyone over the edge? Lord help us.

Love,

me

Day 30 Man I'm bad at this...

I always thought I was good at making friends. I'm pretty nice, I try to be easily approachable and welcoming, I've always done my best to accept everyone no matter what. These last few days have been a blow to the gut. I'm not being too hard on myself, I'm being real and honest with who I am and what I've done to land myself in this position... which as I see it is kind of lonely.

The Bird family *my maiden name* has always been convinced we have a tattoo on our foreheads that either says "dump here" or "use me". You can ask anyone of us and we'll sheepishly nod in agreement. Unfortunately for us it's created an inability to create lasting friendships that has been passed down through the generations that almost cripples us. We are under the impression whether consciously or unconsciously that this person before us our "friend" will only be around long enough to get what they need from us and leave. So we are open ourselves up... to a point, and instead of building healthy boundaries we start to build walls. It is a practice that keeps us safe, and very lonely. Each one of us seems to have that one person, all-be-it a spouse in most cases, that we are totally vulnerable to.

I've always thought that the dozens of friendships that ended so heartbreaking-ly bad was the result of me being used up and thrown away. This past week of taking a real hard look at myself has proven that some of those have ended because I was too scared to be loved. In order to allow myself to be loved, to connect, to truly be in communion with someone means my heart is in their hands. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes because it frightens me.

God, I no longer wish my fear of the past to determine my future. You gave me the will and strength to change it and I want to.

Love,

me

Day 29 More fun than a slinky...

I had the most fun today.

Although my back is still tied in knots and my head is swimming from pain killers I find myself smiling none-the-less. I had an absolutely enlightening, mind bending, belief questioning, faith testing discussion with a self-proclaimed radical athiest. What a blast!

Taking the time to explore my beliefs and my core values is why I started this blog. I have come to realize that this gentleman and I have quite a bit in common. In fact, we both find this quote amusing:

If there is a God, atheism must seem to Him as less of an insult than religion.

-Edmond de Goncourt

Atheism says there is no God period; however, religion tries to humanize Him, de-glorify Him, box Him in, and use Him for their own personal purpose and agenda.

I'm so glad for this experience. What a refreshing way to re-ignite my passion for God than to figure out what it is that I truly believe about Him!

Today I believe He simply is. That may not sound like a lot to you, but for me it's everything.

Love,

me