I had a dream... in it there were walking mirrors, each had a different reflection, I walked from one to the next and I was either distorted, or too short or too fat... none of them reflected me as I thought I was. I started to cry and felt a warmth behind me, I turned and there was a large, sparkling, mirror that went as far as I could see and in it was me and no one else... all of the other mirrors disappeared and I was all that was left. My reflection was not distorted just kind of foggy so I kept rubbing my eyes squinting to see what I REALLY looked like. The more I tried the clearer things got and I could see things I didn't know were there, scars and all. Although it wasn't how I had pictured myself it was the clearest reflection there was and I felt completely at peace with it.
I had this dream many years ago and I have never understood it until now. I think God was foreshadowing what I was going through this dark dessert time for. I have come to this point in me where I am starting to see myself as God sees me- honestly with my flaws and my strengths. The question is what do I do with this new information? Do I just accept it as my lot in life or do I ask myself "now what?" and try to navigate through life with this new information as my tool to make myself a healthier person?
It seems to me I've spent most of my life just "accepting" my lot and saying " *sigh* that's just how God made me"... but I stop and think, God didn't make me broken, He didn't make me scared, He didn't make me easily frustrated, quick to judge, even quicker to build walls rather than boundaries. I don't believe those things are naturally me, but what is? How many of us really know who we are when it's so much easier to drown out the hurt and shame with any one of the distractions at our finger tips? Besides it hurts so badly to peel the bandage off to see what's underneath.
The thing that is so awesome about God is that he doesn't expect you to jump in with both feet, he just wants a little effort, a tiny step and He can do unimaginable things with it.
The seeds of a mustard plant. Though a seed is very small, yet the height of the plant which grows from it is very great. (Matt. 13: 31)
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