Day 30 Man I'm bad at this...

I always thought I was good at making friends. I'm pretty nice, I try to be easily approachable and welcoming, I've always done my best to accept everyone no matter what. These last few days have been a blow to the gut. I'm not being too hard on myself, I'm being real and honest with who I am and what I've done to land myself in this position... which as I see it is kind of lonely.

The Bird family *my maiden name* has always been convinced we have a tattoo on our foreheads that either says "dump here" or "use me". You can ask anyone of us and we'll sheepishly nod in agreement. Unfortunately for us it's created an inability to create lasting friendships that has been passed down through the generations that almost cripples us. We are under the impression whether consciously or unconsciously that this person before us our "friend" will only be around long enough to get what they need from us and leave. So we are open ourselves up... to a point, and instead of building healthy boundaries we start to build walls. It is a practice that keeps us safe, and very lonely. Each one of us seems to have that one person, all-be-it a spouse in most cases, that we are totally vulnerable to.

I've always thought that the dozens of friendships that ended so heartbreaking-ly bad was the result of me being used up and thrown away. This past week of taking a real hard look at myself has proven that some of those have ended because I was too scared to be loved. In order to allow myself to be loved, to connect, to truly be in communion with someone means my heart is in their hands. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes because it frightens me.

God, I no longer wish my fear of the past to determine my future. You gave me the will and strength to change it and I want to.

Love,

me