Day 41 You are an awful person, here's a bible...

Never once did anyone guilt me in to being closer to God. That's all I have for today. So next time you share Jesus with someone please make sure you are doing it with Him in mind.

Love,

me

Day 40 Again...and with more feeling.

What a crappy day. My anger has been uncontrollable, I'm irritable, a loose cannon, a complete pain in the butt. I not only feel bad for feeling this way, but then you heap on guilt for being like this and anger for being bipolar and depression because I can't fix it and by the time I'm done I am in the fetal position crying my eyes out. What happened? Seems like yesterday I was on cloud nine?

This yo-yo is unbearable. I feel, I react, I feel, I react, I feel... you get it. No matter what the emotion is I react to it and then it triggers something else in me and right now after a bag of chips, a bowl of ice cream, an anxiety pill and a crying fit I feel no better. In fact I feel worse.

God, I don't get it. Why did you make me this way? It makes me feel like a complete failure or an utter lunatic. I can't stand either. I pray, I read my Bible, I counsel with friends and professionals, I am literally trying everyday to get better, but I still feel so broken. I hate this. I just thought you should here it from me... since I know you know it already.

Love,

me

Day 40 A milestone of Biblical proportions...

The number 40 is used in the Bible over 85 times and is always surrounded by some sort of monumental change taking place....

The flood... it rains for 40 days and 40 nights to cleanse the earth and start over

The "Tablets"... Moses was on the mountain 40 days (twice) in communion and fasting with God, he came down renewed and "glowing"

The Israelites... spent 40 years in the wilderness looking for the Promise land

Goliath... he came 40 days in a row, twice a day to challenge the Israelite army before being killed by David

Jesus... fasted for 40 days in the wilderness

After the Crucifixion... Jesus shown himself for the next 40 days speaking of the Kingdom of God

I'm not superstitious or anything but I find it interesting and exciting that I find myself 40 days (entries) into this blog and thought I started it out a changed person- only to realize that was just the beginning! I think differently now than I did when I started.

I suppose I bring this whole thing up because normally change scares us. It's funny because the change God has in store is always better for us and more beneficial... but even if the change is from God we run in the opposite direction because it's not comfortable. I know because I do the same thing.

Our God calls us to make "baby steps" otherwise he wouldn't have used the mustard seed (1-3mm in diameter) as an example of how much faith He wanted from you.

So right now I'm challenging you to do something for 40 days. There is something on your heart right now that is pressing and almost choking the life out of you because it's so stressful. Each morning you wake up think of that thing and give one little part of it to God at a time. For me it's a relationship... a bad one. The first thing I'm trying to let go of is my expectation of that person to be anything but what they are. Tomorrow who knows? I'm sure it will come to me because God always meets me where I'm at.

Love,

me

Day 39 Cancer was my gift.

I am proud of my kids, proud of my husband, proud of my family and proud of my parents. I very rarely take the time to look at where I've come from and how far I've traveled. God is proud of me, why shouldn't I be?

There was a time in my life when the weight of the things that happened to me this week both inside and outside the walls of my house would have sent me in a downward spiral of guilt, stress and depression. I would have made decisions based on these emotions and laid myself down as a door mat because that's all I thought I was good for.

However, instead I allowed God in- just a little- to have the bigger stuff I knew would do me no good to carry, and you know what happened? The world did not crumble around me. I said no and the earth did not go off it's axis. I put up a boundary and stuck to it and the result was not my fault and I did not take the blame.

I actually feel lighter. I have a little bounce in my step. Not because it's all peachy and life is roses. I have $.60 in my checking account and the other day we had scrambled eggs for dinner because that's all there was, I'm not sure where the money to fill our oil tank is coming from. These things could be weighing me down like a millstone around my neck. They used too constantly. I am going to say something that will seem odd and maybe even rub you the wrong way but it's the truth for me...

Cancer was a gift. It broke me. It broke my will, my idea I could handle it all, the myth I could do it on my own, and the lie that what I do is who I am. It rocked me to my core and left me shaking. I am who God made me- an heir to the King, in His image, to live life to the fullest. I had no idea the joy there was in trusting Him until I had nothing left to hold on to.

Love,

me

Day 38 God's in control, but of what?

When I here "God is in control" it makes me wonder. I believe that God is in control of the universe, but in control of us? I don't think so.

The definition of control is "a relation of constraint of one entity". I have a brain, a free will, desires, needs, natural instincts. I don't feel controlled by God, His rules, or His principles. However, because I love Him deeply I am compelled to allow Him to speak to my heart through scripture and sway my actions and thoughts toward love.

I really don't believe God wants little robot mini-me's. We place too much emphasis on "being Christian" acting and being the way we think we need to. How many times have you heard "I thought you were a Christian" or "that wasn't very Christian".... This type of thinking is completely backwards.

What if when someone came to know Jesus personally that we put more emphasis on Love? To begin at the begining with the most important commandment.

"Love the Lord your God with all of your heart." Luke 10:27a

Why not put the emphasis on how much God loves them and the grace that covers their sins and the patience He has for them through His word and have them fall in love with God? Then their motivation would be to do things out of love for God instead of doing things because they were told to, guilt, persuasion, or peer pressure- none of which are pleasing to God.

Love,

me

Day 37 An unexpected visit...

I knew they were coming for weeks, but nothing was going to prepare me. I had anticipated this moment since January 17th of 2006 yet when it came I was a deer in headlights. It seemed the time had come for Josiah to meet his birth mother.

A correspondence had begun months ago and had started out as a question from Josiah "which belly did I grow in mommy? Yours or Daddy's?" What followed was nothing short of a miracle in my eyes. Words of grace and love poured from my mouth explaining the woman that I had once hated with all my heart for making the decisions that she did regarding her life, her children and her addiction. It occurred to me that when I looked in my sons eyes I couldn't hate her. Even though she had given him up for adoption and he would have to live with that decision for the rest of his life, I had to love her so I could show him how to.

Years ago when she had first celebrated being clean for a year she asked if she could visit and I knew in my gut that it was not the right time. It was too soon for Josiah, too confusing and too stressful for us as a family. We knew the right time would come, but it wasn't then. So we waited and three years later there it was. Cheryl has been clean for four years now, has a great part time job at a local grocery store, and is attending college classes to work toward her goal of owning her own business. She is a different woman than I ever knew her to be- kind, gentle, patient, loving, honest and free.

Josiah seemed to be in love with Cheryl from the moment he saw her, and who can blame him? She has blossomed into a beautiful young lady full of life, the way God made her. Years ago I said no to the meeting because I had a gut feeling, years later I said yes because of that gut feeling. God wanted Josiah to meet the Cheryl that she has turned into and never to have known what she was before. The grace in that gesture from God blew me away.

So even though I knew this was coming for years, it was an incredibly unexpected visit.

Love,

me

Day 36 I'll take a small order of Jesus no pickles

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

Although this verse is in the Bible in black and white growing up in the church doesn't allow space for a young person to question. It's sad really, that's the time you should be encouraged to ask, learn, experiment, and find out what it is you really want to know. Instead, we are encouraged to sit quietly in the pew nodding in agreement the whole while stuffing our gut reactions down until we can't hear them anymore and we take all we hear from the pulpit as truth because a "Man of God" is speaking. We place them on a pedistal. In my opinion out of shear laziness on our parts. If we have someone to interpret, pray, and feed us then we don't have to get messy. It's like stopping at McChurch for a quick bite of religion.

I looked at the church to "feed" me for a long time. I liken it to that documentary "Fast Food Nation"... you are what you eat. If you constantly feed yourself fatty foods then you yourself become unhealthy and fat. If you are constantly downing religion with out any forethought on your own you run the risk of turning into what you've consumed and depending on who you trust to minister to you it could mean trouble.

Stop and think when someone gives you a snippet, a sound byte, a quote, or a parable... ask yourself these questions-

1. Is it biblical? Is this quote actually in scriptures or is it a paraphrased or misquoted verse, perhaps taken out of context

2. Do you trust the source? Just because someone has a collar doesn't mean they are perfect or have all of the answers

3. Don't trust your feelings. They lie and have little to do with the truth, if you want to trust something then trust the instinct the good Lord gave you! Research it.

It is my hope and prayer that I bring up my children in a household that it is ok to question and disagree, to form their own opinions and personal theology and not just trust me because I'm human.... very human.

Love,

me

Day 35 Use your brain for God's sake!

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way." ~C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters, 1943

Wish I could say I fit in the first category but the truth is me and my control issues slide comfortably into the second. It is such a struggle for me to just let things go. If they aren't doing it how I think they should- the best way in my eyes- then they are obviously wrong. Right? Ick... I hate this about myself. I like to think I'm pretty open minded but how can you be truly open to new ideas when you are automatically trying to control the situation?

I wonder how much I've missed by doing things my own way essentially led out of selfish motives like the desire to be in control. I also figure I have missed a great deal in "waiting" on this big voice from heaven to tell me what to do because I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. Well you know, that way I'll have someone to blame if it doesn't go right... ugh...

There has got to be a middle ground where I don't have to be in control all of the time yet I exercise the brain and free will given me by my creator to make good decisions not based on fear or guilt but love. Wonder what that looks like? When I wake up I'm trying it- one decision at a time.

Love,

me

Day 34 WINDEX PLEASE!

I had a dream... in it there were walking mirrors, each had a different reflection, I walked from one to the next and I was either distorted, or too short or too fat... none of them reflected me as I thought I was. I started to cry and felt a warmth behind me, I turned and there was a large, sparkling, mirror that went as far as I could see and in it was me and no one else... all of the other mirrors disappeared and I was all that was left. My reflection was not distorted just kind of foggy so I kept rubbing my eyes squinting to see what I REALLY looked like. The more I tried the clearer things got and I could see things I didn't know were there, scars and all. Although it wasn't how I had pictured myself it was the clearest reflection there was and I felt completely at peace with it.

I had this dream many years ago and I have never understood it until now. I think God was foreshadowing what I was going through this dark dessert time for. I have come to this point in me where I am starting to see myself as God sees me- honestly with my flaws and my strengths. The question is what do I do with this new information? Do I just accept it as my lot in life or do I ask myself "now what?" and try to navigate through life with this new information as my tool to make myself a healthier person?

It seems to me I've spent most of my life just "accepting" my lot and saying " *sigh* that's just how God made me"... but I stop and think, God didn't make me broken, He didn't make me scared, He didn't make me easily frustrated, quick to judge, even quicker to build walls rather than boundaries. I don't believe those things are naturally me, but what is? How many of us really know who we are when it's so much easier to drown out the hurt and shame with any one of the distractions at our finger tips? Besides it hurts so badly to peel the bandage off to see what's underneath.

The thing that is so awesome about God is that he doesn't expect you to jump in with both feet, he just wants a little effort, a tiny step and He can do unimaginable things with it.

The seeds of a mustard plant. Though a seed is very small, yet the height of the plant which grows from it is very great. (Matt. 13: 31)

Day 33 I'm hungry...

Did you ever get a craving for something like pizza and there isn't any in the house? You don't have the money to order out and there isn't anything in the fridge to make some so you eat something else, usually followed by something else and topped with more of something else. Nothing else seems to satisfy that craving except for the real thing. No matter how much we substitute other things, no matter how initially satisfying they are- it just doesn't compare.

When I was pregnant all I wanted to eat was cereal and ice cream I could not get enough milk products. After giving birth the doctors informed me of a calcium deficiency!

So stop and listen. Listen to your soul. Get quiet, alone, and listen. What are you craving? What is the one thing you desire? The answer may surprise you.

It surprised me.

Love,

me

Day 33 Imprisoned

I don't think it's an accident there are many times in the Bible believers have found themselves in prison. The word is found in the Bible 90 times. In most cases the person was wrongfully placed there or put there because of their beliefs. My question to you is this...

Are you in prison because of your beliefs?

Obviously I'm not speaking of a literal prison, but a place in your heart and mind where you feel trapped or constrained by your beliefs-held back, pinned down, suffocated even. Maybe you feel oppressed by others beliefs. Either way it seems backwards to me.

I had found myself feeling more and more constricted. I didn't have peace and freedom which was what God had promised me. Was it because God was lying or had I built so many walls and chained myself down with doctrine that I felt like I was being held hostage. Jesus came so that we may have life and have it abundantly. The very definition of abundant is plentiful or more than we need, so why do we walk around like zombies?

My theory is that I try to have everything I want instead of waiting for God to supply all I need. I interrupt His blessings with my agenda, I ignore his grace and wear my sin like a millstone, and I choose to focus on my past with all it's failures rather than a future of hope that He has promised me.

Love, at a certain point, is a decision. So just as I make a conscious decision to brush my teeth I have to decide to love me enough to let God close enough to break away the walls and cut the chains.

Then, when I am open and vulnerable, eyes squinting at the new found light, I will be free.

Love,

me

Day 32 Amazing Grace

"Grace means............ there is nothing we can do to make God love us more. And Grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us less." - Philip Yancey

Someone once told me that you show grace to the measure you have been shown. It seems almost contradictory to what I was brought up thinking that the more grace you show to others the more is shown to you. The longer I live the more I believe the first one more. You see I've always been a very cynical and judgmental person. Although I hated this trait I could not change it on my own. Until I had been shown the full depth of the grace of God I didn't understand what this supernatural thing grace really was.

Before I started this blog I went through a time of what now I can identify as "Christian Atheism" which meant I knew there was a God but I lived as though He did not exist*. I was sure that God kept a score card on everyone, if you do good- good things happen and vise-versa. I had been saved since I was 7 and I didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, or sleep around I had been a good Christian for so many years so why was I suffering so much? I saw the wicked progress daily... so I cursed Him, turned my back, stopped going to church and even got a visceral reaction when I heard people talk of His "goodness".

I was so busy getting rid of all the bad doctrine and false promises that I dumped all the good and real stuff too. I had forgotten all the words and promises from scripture. Promises that God wants me to prosper and not to plummet, that I was a child of the King, that I had a free will to change my circumstances, yet others had a free will to hinder me or even hurt me, but God loves me all of the time no matter what.

Even though I had turned my back on Him and all He had taught my heart and done in my soul He started to soften my heart. I did nothing to deserve it, I'll never repay Him, and I can't promise to never question again but He loves me just the same.

And that my friends is Amazing.

Love,

me

*The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel

Day 31 Burn the witch!

I like how all of us adults have relegated bullying to the youth... We fail to see the grown up versions of bullying like emotional abuse, verbal assaults based on our own moral judgment calls and finally manipulation. I see all of these things on a daily basis in places like family, church and with in adult friendships. How do we expect our children to act differently?

It's so easy to peg people into categories and then judge them accordingly- which is funny because we all have our own versions of what the worst sin is. You talk to some people and they would rather sit next to an bank robber than a homosexual.

We hear stories of how in the old times they would burn you if they thought you were a witch or throw you over a cliff... if you flew back up in the sky you were a witch and got away, however if you were innocent you plummeted to your demise.

Have you bullied anyone over the edge? Lord help us.

Love,

me

Day 30 Man I'm bad at this...

I always thought I was good at making friends. I'm pretty nice, I try to be easily approachable and welcoming, I've always done my best to accept everyone no matter what. These last few days have been a blow to the gut. I'm not being too hard on myself, I'm being real and honest with who I am and what I've done to land myself in this position... which as I see it is kind of lonely.

The Bird family *my maiden name* has always been convinced we have a tattoo on our foreheads that either says "dump here" or "use me". You can ask anyone of us and we'll sheepishly nod in agreement. Unfortunately for us it's created an inability to create lasting friendships that has been passed down through the generations that almost cripples us. We are under the impression whether consciously or unconsciously that this person before us our "friend" will only be around long enough to get what they need from us and leave. So we are open ourselves up... to a point, and instead of building healthy boundaries we start to build walls. It is a practice that keeps us safe, and very lonely. Each one of us seems to have that one person, all-be-it a spouse in most cases, that we are totally vulnerable to.

I've always thought that the dozens of friendships that ended so heartbreaking-ly bad was the result of me being used up and thrown away. This past week of taking a real hard look at myself has proven that some of those have ended because I was too scared to be loved. In order to allow myself to be loved, to connect, to truly be in communion with someone means my heart is in their hands. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes because it frightens me.

God, I no longer wish my fear of the past to determine my future. You gave me the will and strength to change it and I want to.

Love,

me