Day 57 So I suppose spoiled isn't a fruit of the spirit...

Ever feel like your dream was just out of your reach? Like you can smell it, you can taste it, but you just can't grasp it. I've felt like that for a while now, like I'm sitting there waiting to be plucked cause I'm pretty sure I'm ripe but I'm hidden behind all the leaves....

Growing up as a much younger sibling and practically as an only child I'll admit most times I had gotten my way. I hate that now. I never get my own way in real life and realizing that sometimes life stinks was a very painful lesson.

So, how do I over come this in my life and how do I make it better for my children? Where do I find the balance?

I like to see my kids happy now, but wouldn't it be better to see them prosper in real life where it counts and lasts longer? I don't deprive my children for the sole purpose of making them better people, but choosing not to give in all of the time is a choice I am willing to live with.

I think it makes happier, more thankful children. My kids are appreciative of even the little things because they don't experience overload when it comes to christmas and birthdays, holidays are celebrated for what they are and not another halmark excuse for more presents.

One of the reasons I think I'm ok with this is because I've truly fostered a relationship with my children. I not only love them, I like them a lot. They are cool little people and I appreciate them for exactly who God made them. That gives them a sense of wellness and peace no toy could ever muster.

So is this what God is getting at? Trying to foster a true relationship instead of a "genie in a bottle" kind of scenario? What has God given or taken away from you? Was it God or your decision? What has it taught you?

Love,

me

Day 56 What's all the hub bub?

It's Easter time, even if you don't go to church or never heard the story you'll know from all of the obnoxious pastel bunny decorations in every store and restaurant. On the radio I heard Ryan Secrest refer to Easter as a "free pass to eat chocolate".... needless to say even I cringed, and lets just say I'm pretty hard to offend.

However, it got me thinking... why do we celebrate Easter? Minus the obvious reason of honoring the gift of salvation, which is a good enough reason on it's own. BUT why do I celebrate it and what makes it personal to me?

Through each stage of the cross from praying alone, to the betrayal, beatings, the horrific scene at the cross, to the last breath, and finally to the resurrection I can see myself in a much much smaller scale of my own life. I can see where I've been betrayed, beaten, and hung out to dry all for the sake of the cross. Nothing like what some in other countries endure! However where I really connect is the resurrection. I wonder if it's because I suffer from a form of depression which is dark and deadly at times. The thought of new life is exhilarating. Starting over with a clean slate. It makes my eyes brighter and my steps lighter.

If you are reading this and you don't know what kind of peace and joy a new life brings I beg you to simply ask God. Ask Him for forgiveness that your sins have won over your heart and that you can't control yourself sometimes. He understands and knows your heart so there is no need to be ashamed because He loves you despite the dark spots on your soul. Ask Him for a fresh start and a clean slate. Watch what He can do:)

Love,

Crystal

PS If you need any further help or prayer please contact me at kilby16@comcast.net and I'll be happy to walk with you on your journey!

Day 55 Humbled-short & sweet :)

I'm naturally humble... In the dictionary sense of being low in height... the other definitions I struggle with :)

1. Not proud or arrogant

2. Feeling of insignificance

3. Low in rank or importance

Why are we called to be humble? In my opinion it's because the opposite characteristics are an act or a facade. God wants us as we are, not as we want others to see us.

Love,

me

Day 54 Thirsty Thursdays....

I should call this blog 365 Thirsty Thursdays. It's easy to get inspired with 64 ounces of caffeine coursing through your veins. I woke up in a totally different mood though. Head and back hurting and everything in the world weighing on my shoulders. After some meds and a nap I'm sitting here with my son. Me on my computer, he on his. He's enjoying his first donut. EVER. Strawberry frosted with sprinkles. What could be better? :) Ok back on task...

When I write music I'm usually very sad or heavy hearted, when I write creatively for my blog I'm usually in a great mood- either caffeine induced or not, and when I'm crafty I'm usually manic. I'm wandering, is God always ready but we aren't? Or does he wait until our heart is tender and speak through us and to us? Well I suppose both could be true. I guess my real question is do we get in the way of God's greatness? I would have to say emphatically YES. I know I get in His way all of the time.... atleast I feel like it. Is that the truth or my low self esteem- always feeling "in the way"?

I'd like to get to heaven and find out I was mostly helpful. That God liked me, respected my character, not just loved me. Don't get me wrong- God's love is intense enough on it's own.... but I desire to be the kind of person Jesus would have been close to. I don't know how else to explain it but to use my personal experience in love. I love a lot of people deeply, but there are few I feel I can truly trust with me in entirety- my inner struggles, my heart, etc.

I want to be open, the kind of heart that stays soft to the yearnings of my God. Rather it be in my arts, my friendships, or my personal theology and ministry- I desire to be all out and sold out.

Love,

me

Day 53 Diligence- Holding the match till it hurts.

Diligence is a zealous and careful nature in one's actions and work, exemplified by a decisive work ethic, budgeting of one's time, monitoring one's own activities to guard against laziness, and putting forth full concentration in one's work.

I'm great at the zealous part, not very careful sometimes, very decisive, not great at budgeting ANYthing and hate laziness... I'm like- half there...

I get easily excited about things, amped up, energized and full of potential. Until I am not anymore. Then it's like moving a donkey. I just don't budge. I really don't like this quality in me sometimes- but then I can see the positives too. I'm like a match. I can get fired up, light others up, become too hot to handle(annoying), then I loose interest and fizzle out.

The one thing that I never lost hope in was God, I had never before recent events lost my zealous heart for God. Then life happened- piles of manure on my head until I was buried alive. From marital and family problems, losing jobs, cancer, you name it and it happened- NOTHING went right for years. It was a dark, despairing time for our family.

At the time I was about to fizzle out and lose all hope of re-kindling my heart for God and I thought by all intents and purposes I was a spiritual "gonner" I look back to realize no one dropped me. Well, atleast not the REALLY important ones that will love me through everything. Certainly not the one who set me on fire in the first place.

Held despite your potential to hurt is a humbling place to be.

Love,

me

Day 52 & 1/2 Putting my money where my mouth is...

Following up on an early blog post to go full throttle on the creative endeavors...

My current projects are as follows:

HardCore Creations: An online shop with my personal jewelry creations!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/kilby16

Crystal Kilby, Singer & Song Writer: Finding my voice again after cancer & heartache.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Crystal-Kilby-Singer-Songwriter/146658262064809

365 Days Closer to God: YOU ARE HERE! :)

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support on my journey and I sincerely hope that I've touched at least one person in the process of finding me.

Love,

Me

Day 52 What am I so afraid of?

I've always gotten to this point in something- crafting, writing, singing, playing where it's not a block really but a fear... Of what? Accomplishing something? It's so dumb. All I've ever wanted to do is create and when I get a chance to put myself out there I freeze up.

Am I just afraid what I have to offer isn't good enough? Or maybe it is good enough and they expect more of it. What happens if I can't produce it when I need too? I've always been kind of slow creatively. I mean it takes me a while to finish something. It's mostly because I demand perfection from myself on a level no one else would ever really put on me.

I am extremely hard on myself and I know that, but when I open myself up to criticism and it's worse than what I do to myself it's sort of crushing. I'm scared what I have to say or do isn't good enough I suppose. For as much as I put myself through I still make mistakes. I can't come out with a perfect finished product every time. In fact, I can't be perfect at all. There is only one who is perfect.

So what am I afraid of? That I won't measure up to an impossible standard? I geuss in that sense my fears are real. BUT if I realize it's impossible and lay those fears to rest can I move on? They've seemed to stop me in my tracks ever since I can remember.

Today I start stepping out of the fear because I will never be perfect, but I do have something special inside.

Love,

me

Day 51 Just be you. No pressure.

I try my hardest to be me. Doesn't that sound strange? I mean if you are just being you, should you have to try so hard? I guess what takes effort is relaxing and letting things flow organically. That is such a radical concept for me.

My whole life I've morphed into what I needed to be in that situation. If I was at church I was one person, at home another, at family functions another.... it was exhausting. So I suppose this is much less stressful. I have less things to keep straight.

But here's the hang up. What if you don't know who you are? I know it sounds silly but what if you've been so busy being who you thought you should be for God, family or friends that you have lost the real you? Want my advice??

Start journaling, 5 minutes per day at first about you. What you like, love, hate, torques you to no end, makes your heart skip a beat... everything. Soon you'll start to learn who you are, who God made you. It really is beautiful to unwrap the gift of love He gave you for yourself.

Try it. Be you. No pressure.

Love,

me

Day 50 It's like breathing to me...

I recently heard a quote from Oprah ...

"when you are doing what you were created to do, it should feel like breathing"

There are so many things I love to do, but only one fits this description... music. Listening to it, playing it, singing it and writing it. I love to do it myself, with others, and I can't get enough of it. With age and trials comes wisdom to know that the only things I excel at are the things my heart is in. So what is my heart in? THAT should be where my energy is focused. So I am making a deliberate attempt to make that part of me the best it can be.

I want to leave this earth with as much talent as I have breath in my lungs.

Love,

me

Day 49: You and me together...

You and me together we can do anything.

-Dave Matthews Band.

Sometimes I wonder if God sings me love songs. I'm sure of it actually.

That alone has made my day.

Love,

me

Day 48: Giving your all...

I've always since I can remember given away everything. I felt like it made other people happy. I had this one friend asked me for stuff all of the time and I would give her some of my most prized possessions only to regret it later. My mom would get mad at me, but I wondered why? Doesn't it make you a good person to give? I guess it's all in your motivation.

My motivation has mostly been making others happy so they like me. I've heard sermons that have guilted me into giving before so I'd make a one time gesture only to follow it up by months of not giving at all. The simple fact is that God likes me whether I give or not.

The love I've received from God has made me love in a totally different way, with reckless abandonment. I find myself giving now for the soul purpose of blessing someone else. It is a blessing in itself to bless someone else with a gift free of obligation to reciprocate.

It's the kind of giving God has bestowed on us. Giving His all for us.

Love,

me

Day 47: It's on now.

Ever get that feeling you've had enough of mediocrity? I'm there. I've been hanging on, surviving but I can't remember the last time I was thriving. God made me to thrive! Not to just sit around and grow mold. This is my year. This is my time, what other time is there? Am I supposed to be waiting for some divine moment to shine? Some time in the space time continuim to open up and light to heat my face with an angelic chior singing my ultimate God-given purpose to me? Or am I supposed to decide to do what it is that God set on my heart when I was born. Actually just decide to go for it no matter what the consequences be.

Screw SATAN! He can't have me anymore I'm finished being his tool by not doing a thing to live out my purpose. I've had enough of being scared. Being scared of cancer, of being looked at as odd, being scared of what people MIGHT think about me. It doesn't matter. If you don't like it, guess what? There's the door... or in this case the exit button.

It's on now.

Day 46 It's only 18" from your head to your heart, sometimes it seems like miles.

My mind is in an uproar here and I can't seem to slow it down.

Thoughts are racing, legs are pacing, fingers drumming round.

What if? What then? What will be my destiny?

I am the King's and He is mine no matter what life brings.

by Crystal Kilby circa early 1990's

When my dad was being operated on to give him a PCD (Pacer/ Cardio-Defibrillator) I buried myself in the medical library. I couldn't stand the notion my dad wouldn't be around to see me graduate, get married or have my first kid. I was overwhelmed with emotion and the only way I could muddle through it was to understand what the doctors were talking about. So I wrote down everything and instead of waiting idly by in the waiting room I went to the medical library of the Geisinger hospital and sat and read everything I could get my hands on. Funny, I actually wrote my term paper on "Ventricular Tachycardia" and tried to explain a new type of it called "Super V Tach" that they said my dad suffered from. My dad has lived another 15 years and swears he'll be around 10 more!

I've always found a way to process, we all do. It's not always the same as you, so be patient and know that God is working in them too. Even through the medical journals and dictionaries and piles of books God spoke words of peace to me, but my brain had to catch up to my heart (or vise versa) and sometimes that takes time.

Just like in real life, sometimes it gets dark in your spiritual life. You can't see the sun, it doesn't mean it isn't there. Look for your moon. The one who reflects his light constantly in your life. Like PL said to me once, "When hope is hard to find, you can borrow mine." Find that person to lean on until the sun comes out again. Here are some scriptures I hang on to with all my life...

"Be still and know that I am God" Ps 46:10

"Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you." I Peter 5:7

"In this world you will have many troubles, but take heart- I have overcome the world!" Jn 16:33

God give me peace and rest. Remind me every moment that you are in the tiniest detail to the biggest obstacles. You are always here.

Love,

me

Day 45 Cancer Sucks.

Whether you have it, lived with it, had a scare of it, or watched someone die of it you've been affected by it somehow.

Cancer is it's own special beast, like war it challenges you to a battle and although with medicine most make it out alive there are those soldiers who lie on the battlefield and struggle to take their last breaths. Much like war it leaves it's scars on your psyche. It's the one thing I'm truly scared of.

I read a book "When God and Cancer Meet" once and in it was a quote "God doesn't always take the cancer out of the patient, but He can always remove the patient from the cancer." God doesn't always heal us. That's a scary prospect but knowing that God always delivers makes it a little more palatable.

I want to believe that if this test comes back that cancer has returned it won't destroy me and my family. I want to hold on to the fact you've brought me through it before. God I want to believe, I do- help my un-belief. (Mark 9:24)

Love,

me

Day 44 Grace & Beauty

The amount of grace you can show is directly proportionate to the grace you've been shown...

Grace is a funny thing. We have to let it rain over us. God is a gentleman, never forcing Himself into our lives. The only way that grace has truly drenched me in it's light is when I've come face to face with my human nature, realizing how short I fall from what God deserves out of me. That's the beautiful thing about grace though... the more we acquire, the more we are equipped with to show others.

So next time you run into a "Christian" who is lacking in grace, pray for them. Although it can be terribly difficult to swallow words of a person who professes Christ with their label and deny Him with their actions remember that theirs is a terrible place to be:

To have the knowledge of what Jesus has done for them and not have reaped the benefit of it's beautiful redemption.

Love,

me

Day 43 You make everything glorious- what does that make me?

Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact I've been searching for my place in God's family for a very long time. It seems ever since I dropped my facade and started realizing who it was I really am it suddenly became hard to put myself back into the same surroundings. I imagine it's how a butterfly feels when it first comes out of the cocoon.

I was wrapped up in myself and my agendas for so long that when it came time to fly my wings were still wet. Every time I tried I'd fall flat on my face. It seemed like me as a new creation was a hindrance at first. I felt alone, cut off from my friends and family; some are butterflies like me, but most are still in their cocoon because God isn't finished with them yet.

Every fall made me stronger, and my wings became lighter, my wisdom grew... but they still hurt. A lot. God is not done with me by any means, but now I can soar free from the bondage of guilt and the oppression of shame. I am me, who God made- a glorious creature.

Love,

me

Day 42: If you feel far away from God guess who moved? GRrrr!

This has to be my most hated Christianese statement.... I would argue it does not have any relevance and that it is over used and totally misused. Whenever someone is struggling with their faith our having some doubt or just miss the mountain top experience or they long to be closer to God this is what they hear- although sometimes there are good intentions...

Is there really ANYthing we can do to make our relationship with God? Can we strive to be more like Christ and "feel" closer to Him? YES! Could we take a wrong path and "feel" further from Him? YES! BUT! BUT BUT BUT!!! Do we actually place ourselves closer or further from God by doing these things? I would say no. We don't do anything to warrant his love and we can't do ANYthing to seperate ourselves from it. So why on earth would we throw around this sediment and guilt people into acting the way we think they should?

We are created uniquely, but still in His image. We will each follow Christ just a little bit differently and have our own experiences. Mine has shown me that I do not have the love of a saviour because of me or anything I do or have done and THANK GOD it can't be lost because of me or anything I will do.

It just is. He just is. Thank you LORD!

Love,

me