Day 19 I am that wretch....

Nothing makes you feel it quite like realizing you've been acting like a spoiled brat in the face of the God of love and sacrifice. Nothing can mask the shame you feel after spitting on the blessings of a King to His servant. And to know on top of all the shame there is the stinging truth of the cross. A truth that is so evident to me right now on my face at the foot of it that all my tears can't wash it away, my heart is so heavy with sorrow.

You lift me up even through the tantrums, you carry me through the closed doors, you protect my safety while I'm cursing your name. And all of this because you love a wretch like me?

It is so overwhelming, so disturbing, so earth shattering to me. Your peace rocks me out of comfort and into a new light once again. This goes to prove again you speak loud and clear and with out hesitation through the distractions and straight to my heart and when I finally am stunned by your grace and I am quiet enough to hear the booming words " I love you, I love you, I love you" it brings me to my knees. Wash me.

Love,

me

Day 18 So much noise...

Did you ever wonder why life is so distracting? I have been the last 48 hours because I've had so much less distracted than usual. There is the obvious stress of my dad facing risky surgery, but the normal distractions- namely Josiah & Libby- aren't here with me. They are my favorite little distractions:) They keep me busy playing, hugging, thinking, cleaning, etc... These last couple days has me looking inward for lack of anything else to do, and I'll tell you it's scary in there!

Most of us try to keep ourselves busy to avoid this sort of thinking I would guess because it makes us so uncomfortable. So many regrets, so many open doors, so much hurt left unhealed- letting light into those dark rooms allows us to see all those things we've thrown into the closet and hoped to forget about.

Disappointment ranks pretty high on that list for me. Feeling like I could have done more, said more, been more... If I think on it too long it starts to crush me like a thousand stones on my back. A little while ago I heard something that in my 20 plus years of being a Christian and going to church I never heard. God is never disappointed in me.

This was such a foreign concept that it still stuns me. If you think about it though it's true- it is impossible for God to be disappointed. Disappointment happens when an expectation is not met. If God were to have been disappointed in us He would have to expect something different than what we did. Do we suprise God? Certainly not! He knows every hair on our head, there's nothing about our character that is going to catch Him off guard.

So sitting alone here I'm letting God take each stone from my back one by one because that's the best I can do for now, and that's ok.

Love,

me

Day 16 I can't hear you!

The house is so quiet this morning....except for deep restful breaths from my love curled up on the couch asleep. As excited as I am to get on the road and start our little mini-vaca I'm just as stressed and tied up in knots over my dad's impending surgery. I've been at this place too many times to count. Since I was 3 years old my dad has had heart attacks, strokes, DVT, flown to Geisinger, shocked back to life on several occasions, and now a major thoracic surgery.

I know he needs it, the latest trip to the ER nailed for me... the doctors were trying to find out if my dad had been in a bad car accident because his organs were so messed up. You see he had a hyetal hernia about 12 years ago that his heart wasn't strong enough to operate on and it's ended up that half his digestive system is now in his chest cavity encroaching on his lungs and heart.

We call my dad Robo-Pop, partly because of his Pacer/Cardio Defibrillator and partly because he seems invincible. From the first heart attack he said God spoke to him and told him nothing could hurt him, not while God still wanted him here. That's given my dad peace for almost 30 years and continues to hold him together through all of this.

Wish I could hear him speak to me, but it's hard to hear over all my doubt and stress. God, speak to me please, let your peace rest in me.

Love,

me

Day 15 A little poetry for a rainy day...

The rain is cold it makes me so tired and there's no sunshine to bask, just mud to be mired in.

Roots are stretching and leaves are swollen, grass is saturated with water drops fallen.

The wind is curling around every limb, through every space that you see blue in.

The warmth is all gone, the bitterness lingers, like evil outstretched witches fingers.

Oh how my desire for warmth consumes me, come like a blanket and send your peace through me.

Surround all my thoughts with the glow of your laughter, fill up my mind from the floor to the rafters.

The scent of new growth invades my senses as sunshine from the east reflects of the fences.

How is it that rain that brought on such cold have proven to fertilize colors so bold?

Love,

me

Day 14 Uh-oh, Jesus forgot something!

Children are unrelenting balls of energy with their own personalities, agendas, and hearts bursting with joy. Their imaginations never stop, until stifled. I do everything in my power to encourage creativity and free thinking in my kids. I aim to never just shut them up, but hear them out no matter how crazy it sounds to me. They are a little person and deserve to be heard just as much as I do... maybe even more.

You see, when they have an idea nothing stops them them from blurting it out- we tend to censor ourselves and that particular part of a kids brain doesn't exist until they are tainted by the world and made to think that what they have to say isn't as important to everyone else. I hope my kids know that what they have to say and think is of utmost importance to me. That way when they get older they have a good sense of themselves, free to express and articulate the way the feel and think inside.

I was walking Josiah to school one day and we passed by a church with a wooden cross displayed in the front yard. The cross had a white piece of cloth draped over it, which to us Christians symbolizes hope of the reserrection. For Josiah initially it meant nothing, but he stopped and stared at it. He said "Mom! Jesus forgot his scarf- we'll have to take it to Him in Heaven." I said "Don't worry Joey, He'll be back for it." "Cool, mom", yeah, really cool.

Love,

me

Day 14 Shoot for the moon, but you won't land on it.

Ugh... I feel unmotivated, tired, lazy, and stuck. My house is a disaster after the yard sale, nothing is in it's place and I'm way behind on housework. It's easy to feel like a failure isn't it?

It's not as easy to feel like a success. I'd like to think I'm awesome, but the truth is I don't. I feel like I fail at lots of things in life. Why is that? Well, I've come to realize in my life I shoot for perfection- which isn't all bad, but expecting perfection is unrealistic.

I loved Physics class. It didn't love me- but it was so interesting. Mostly at the end because our teacher would let us challenge him by asking him anything we could think of to be explained by physics. One of the things we learned about was the path of trajectory. In order to hit a target you have to account for gravity pulling down the path of the object you are hurling toward your target.... because of gravity you aim slightly higher.

In life, there is gravity-lot's of things pull down our best efforts-sometimes its circumstances, other people, or time. We try our hardest and sometimes we still miss our mark. It's frustrating and depressing. But why isn't it exciting? I mean we are learning what to do next time we try. Changing my perceptions has been the hardest thing about this new life in Christ, but there is freedom in it and for that I'm thankful.

Love,

me

Day 13.5 Second try:)

I love being an artist. I use that term loosely, I'm no professional. Actually, I think all of us are artists. God made us in His image and he is the ultimate creative being. Absolutely everyone I have ever met has a way to express themselves, whether it's talking, singing, painting, creating with wood, clay, wire, or metal... and that is art.

With every stroke of my brush I release my self onto the canvas, I think even more so when I sing. I am able to express emotions in songs that I could never portray in spoken words. God can be so different to me from day to day... my perception that is. I was staring at a mountain this afternoon and I thought- gee how many times do I look at the mountain and say "what a beautiful mountain" but if I were on the mountain looking down I would most definitely say "look at that view, it's breathtaking"... I guess it's where you are in life. Like I had mentioned in an earlier post about Monet's works of art. Everyone knows that up close they look like a smattering of color carelessly thrown on canvas, but if you back up you start to see the spots of color form shapes that make sense to our brains. It's something we can now grasp and understand.

There are periods in my life that are a mess and I don't think I'll ever get "far away" from them to see them make sense, and the truth is it may never make sense to me in this lifetime. I wonder if that's why heaven feels so far away, maybe it will take all that distance to see this divine tapestry's beauty.

Love,

me

Day 13 Just another Manic Sunday?

Today is a very manic day and I can't concentrate on anything. It's so frustrating. But it's me and God loves me just this way and no other.

Thank you so much God.

Love,

me

Day 12 Carry death to have life

2 Cor 4:10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

Did you ever lose someone so completely essential to your life that you thought of them everyday? I must say I have experienced a lot of death in my short life and it was extremely painful, but I have been lucky enough to not lose a parent, a child or my spouse. I imagine the pain is just simply unbearable to the point where you just can't pick yourself up on your own strength.

People wonder why I like crucifixes, it reminds me of the pain Christ took for my sins- and the life He gave up for my freedom. If I don't think about this everyday I can't possibly live my life to the fullest because I would be totally hopeless and held down by a weight of sins that was too heavy for me to carry.

Love,

me

Day 11 Even Satan gets it right now and then...

...fundamental “house rule” governing our members’ obligation towards each other. The Church functions as a mutual admiration society, a refreshing change from the climate of back-biting and disrespect that is rampant in society. Thus, those who affiliate are not required to like, appreciate, or praise one another—which should be expected with an association of wildly diverse individuals, however they must refrain from publicly attacking or antagonizing each other....

I have been "saved" or have known of God since I was 7 years old. Ever since then I have been intrigued by both sides of the story so to speak. In junior high I wrote an essay on satanism because it was interesting to me- let's not confuse that with attractive- because it was not. In fact, it scared the crap out of me, and that's why I researched it. I don't like to be scared. Fear is usually of the unknown.

I wanted to learn so I read, researched and found some interesting things. One such thing was this piece at the beginning. It's an excerpt from the "Affiliation of the Church of Satan".I found it extremely depressing. How sad is it that people who worship the incarnation of evil have more respect for one another than the Body of Christ?

God help us,

me

Day 10 Check yourself at the door...

There is a distinct part of life that’s glossed over by us Christians. The period you start dealing with something and stressed until the time you give up your will and burden to Christ. Most of us live in that space, but no one talks about it, we all say we’re fine when we aren’t, that “God is in Control” when we don’t really buy it. I don’t think that this type of fake joyful mindless banter helps anyone. It forces us to suck it up and not go through our process of grief or loss and portrays to other Christians that they will eventually get to a point when things stop hurting or bothering us and that doesn’t happen till we get to heaven.

I think it especially does damage to those who don’t know Christ because they can see through it. They see us pushing down our emotions and picking up the generic cross of cookie cutter Christians and get this idea they have to lose who they are in order to know Christ and the truth is we are hurting just as bad as they are. If they knew that the only real difference between us was forgiveness- that there wasn’t this huge gap between them and God that we make up with our prideful ways then I think they’d be more willing to travel that short distance to find God so to speak.

Somehow, though it feels better to know something others don’t, to be accepted somewhere others aren’t, into this special club almost. The church from my perspective has turned into a club that we need to check our real selves at the door to gain admittance. Once in a while there is a small a glimpse into what it could be like during a service- but many times we can’t make time for that because it tears off the scab on our own wounds and FORCES us to feel that pain we’ve been shoving down for so long.

What if someone for the sake of love stood up and aired it all out, in order to show that life won’t end; that there is acceptance, freedom, love and peace in being yourself, the one God made and loves and not the one you think you need to be to be a Christian?

love,

me.

Day 9 I love homosexuals...

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. The few that I've had the pleasure of knowing have something in common. Self-acknowledgement. I'm not sure this is a word really, but here's my definition of it... Acknowledging ones strengths, weaknesses, and gifts- being true to that and standing up for it in the face of much adversity.

Whether you agree with the lifestyle or not- you have to admire a persons strength and honor in their convictions. Well maybe you don't, maybe you would rather write them off completely based on what you see as a weakness or sin... instead of looking deep inside of you to see why you feel that way. What are you overlooking in your self or ignoring because it's too much trouble to bring it out and deal with it head on?

The simple fact is that no one has this life thing figured out, but the ones that are diving into it head on aren't afraid of looking in the mirror. Jesus hung out with all kinds of people because everyone needs Him, He hung on the cross because He loved them all the same.

Love,

me

Day 8 Quiet time with God?

Ahhhhhh.... quiet. I'll enjoy it while it lasts cause it - never mind it's over. With children, tv, internet, traffic, heaters, ticking clocks, etc quiet time seems like it's a million miles away. I guess that's why I don't think God whispers, I think He yells to get over all the other noise. I mean if your kid was rushing into traffic would you calmly whisper or scream at the top of your lungs? It's not like I'm constantly headed for trouble but most times I'm clearly not paying attention!

The thought of God yelling seems un-refined... but I don't think it's the same as us. We get red in the face, out of breath, upset, and shaky-personally, I think God's voice is just naturally big- because God is big. We constantly try to humanize Him in order to relate... I'm glad He isn't like me. I'm terribly impatient, quick to anger, easily discouraged, fragile, shallow, and a bunch of other things I don't want to be- but I am.

I'm imperfect. My favorite saying is "Be patient with me, God's not done with me yet." So in that I try, but fail miserably, to be patient with other works in progress. Because even though we are so far from complete- God speaks to us and through us.

Love,

me

Day 7

“This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. (This is an apocryphyal story, but still useful for illustration.)

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

I have little to add to this as it has rendered me speechless. Lord speak to me.

Love,

me

Day 6 I'm listening...

Something has changed in me in these past few days. Listening instead of talking when I pray. Most times all I hear is silence, or my mind switches gears and I start thinking of the laundry, dishes, money, etc. But it's still blessing me to be quiet with God, even if it only lasts a few minutes.

You know when you've got that friend you can just chill with, no expectations, if you fell asleep they'd cover you with a blanket, and not magic marker- that's how I see God in part. I can't possibly grasp the entire being of God, He's too big and powerful. So small glimpses of God help me know Him better, but don't describe Him in entirety. You'll have to excuse my randomness this morning....

So have you ever been up before the sun and hear the birds chirping? That's happened to me a few times before. This morning I thought, "why are they singing? it's so dark?" but they knew that the sun was coming. God I wish I had that faith. When my darkest time came I couldn't sing, and even if I had the ability I'm sure I wouldn't have. I wasn't sure the sun was coming out ever again. I curled up and laid down out of exhaustion, defeat and hopelessness, and instead of walking away, He covered me.

Love,

me

Day 5 God helps those who help themselves?

Ok so needless to say I'm not as amped up as I was yesterday. By the way I found $50 in change AND there wasn't any fee for a yard sale permit. Which, since it's raining, is even better. On top of that the DARE street fair is right next to us so we couldn't ask for more foot traffic. Looks like it will all work out in the end.

I needed some freak out time. It lets me process all the things in my head, organize them and tackle them. I suppose it's a "God helps those who help themselves" mentality. I don't know if I'm proud of that or not. That phrase doesn't seem to be biblical I can't find it any where. It's known as a "phantom verse" those old sayings that get linked in with our personal theology and way of thinking even though they are the opposite of God's actual teaching...

Prov 28:26 (NIV) He who trusts in himself is a fool...

Personally I was always taught to suck it up, there's no use in crying, deal with it, etc. In my journey to understand things more clearly God is telling me the opposite of what man has been telling me all my life... Lean not on your own understanding, cast your cares on me for I care for you, my (Gods) yoke is easy and my burden light, Jesus wept (so it's ok for me too), etc.

So here's a glimpse of why I decided to dump my shoe box and start over. I'm tired of other peoples theology becoming mine with no forethought on my behalf.

I will know Jesus PERSONALLY or not at all.

Love,

me

Day 4 And I'm outta funny & nice and it's only 8:30 am

"Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Does she not light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it?" Luke Parable of the Lost Coin...

Ok so this parable was originally intended to demonstrate God's love for us in that He would go to the ends of the earth to find us and then all would rejoice upon your being found and repenting. I have to say that particular part of it was lost completely on me as I was frantically dealing with one of the worst financial situations we've been in since we were married and that's saying something- we've been married almost 11 years, and we've had lot's of really bad situations.

So how did I think of this parable? Well it occurred to me while I was scouring my ENTIRE house with my husband looking for every penny we could find just to purchase a damn yard sale permit to sell everything we could possibly live with out so we could survive. This chick knew where EVERY penny she owned was, that's how she knew she was missing one. Tell me, with the change in your pocket, your car, your bed stand, your couch cushions, and your cookie jar- do you know what you've got? Even when we are "broke" we have more than any third world person makes in a day.

So maybe just maybe God popped those versus in my head to hear the end " 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.' In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents".... Maybe my view needs to be broader than just the nose on my face.

Life is like a Monet- up close and personal it can seem like a big mess, but once you step back you can see a beautiful work of art.

I'll be honest I'm not there yet, but I'd like to be.

Love,

me

Day 3 Weigh way down...

Alright I have a theory... bare with me this may not come out great, but hopefully will make sense.

In my first blog I wrote that I thought the best way to grow closer to God is to "listen with your whole life". Way down in the depths of us I think each area of our lives(physical, spiritual, emotional, etc) is a portal that could potentially let God in, that we could hear Him calling us. However, they get caked up with things we do on our own free will, and things done to us by the world like circumstances and others using their free will to hurt us. You see, there are places in my life so gunked up with baggage and issues that I couldn't hear God screaming my name if I tried....

The first portal that came to my mind was weight because, well... I can see it everyday, I'm reminded of how helpless I feel, how I am held back by a fat suit- so to speak. Of course I have tried everything that's come along, and even made a valiant effort at living organic and working out 6 days a week for several months. All of these failed because I never searched myself truly to see the reason I eat what I do in the manner that I do. At the bottom of this mess is the desire to be comforted and full, not to eat- but eating is what has been filling that need- OUCH!

Ok, this is painful but in a way it is also freeing.

Do yourself a favor and think about the portals to your heart, what's keeping God and people out?

Love,

me

Day 2 Dirty Laundry

I'm thinking right now is a good time to share my struggles with you in a short but sweet manner and that way you can decide for yourself if you can relate to me. Because ultimately- if you don't relate to me- much of what I say will be useless to you...

I've always hated laundry. Everything about it sucks- touching other peoples unmentionables, sorting, washing each to there own specs, going down to a cold scary basement to switch loads, carrying the heavy piles up and down two flights of stairs, folding and putting it away- blech! But there is something about this process that is spiritual if you think about it. Today I'm going to "air my dirty laundry"...

Load 1: Weight- a heavy one to think about and carry.

Load 2: Money- never enough of it, and when there was (once upon a time) I squandered it.

Load 3: Relationships- I'm hard to get close to, hard to manage when you are, not to mention a tad self-centered.

Load 4: Religion- for lack of a better term this refers to my relationship with God, the way I portray that to others, and the road of recovery from years of indoctrination in the 'church'.

So I've sorted it, touched it, owned it, and starting tomorrow we'll clean up the mess one day at a time. Starting with number one, weight.... ugh... God I love you, but this is going to be way harder than I thought.

Love,

me

Day 1

Starting is so easy for me- it's finishing that gets tough. All my life I've been told that to be closer to God you must pray and read your Bible... However, I disagree. Not completely, don't get me wrong, these are important. But I think it's more important to listen. Listen with your whole life. What does that mean? I plan on finding out.

Well after "knowing Jesus" for almost my entire life it took 3+ years of intense trial and heart break to finally listen.

So I dumped my shoe box, the one that held everything I EVER believed about God, Church, and being a Christian and I'm listening. God teach me.