Day 41 You are an awful person, here's a bible...

Never once did anyone guilt me in to being closer to God. That's all I have for today. So next time you share Jesus with someone please make sure you are doing it with Him in mind.

Love,

me

Day 40 Again...and with more feeling.

What a crappy day. My anger has been uncontrollable, I'm irritable, a loose cannon, a complete pain in the butt. I not only feel bad for feeling this way, but then you heap on guilt for being like this and anger for being bipolar and depression because I can't fix it and by the time I'm done I am in the fetal position crying my eyes out. What happened? Seems like yesterday I was on cloud nine?

This yo-yo is unbearable. I feel, I react, I feel, I react, I feel... you get it. No matter what the emotion is I react to it and then it triggers something else in me and right now after a bag of chips, a bowl of ice cream, an anxiety pill and a crying fit I feel no better. In fact I feel worse.

God, I don't get it. Why did you make me this way? It makes me feel like a complete failure or an utter lunatic. I can't stand either. I pray, I read my Bible, I counsel with friends and professionals, I am literally trying everyday to get better, but I still feel so broken. I hate this. I just thought you should here it from me... since I know you know it already.

Love,

me

Day 40 A milestone of Biblical proportions...

The number 40 is used in the Bible over 85 times and is always surrounded by some sort of monumental change taking place....

The flood... it rains for 40 days and 40 nights to cleanse the earth and start over

The "Tablets"... Moses was on the mountain 40 days (twice) in communion and fasting with God, he came down renewed and "glowing"

The Israelites... spent 40 years in the wilderness looking for the Promise land

Goliath... he came 40 days in a row, twice a day to challenge the Israelite army before being killed by David

Jesus... fasted for 40 days in the wilderness

After the Crucifixion... Jesus shown himself for the next 40 days speaking of the Kingdom of God

I'm not superstitious or anything but I find it interesting and exciting that I find myself 40 days (entries) into this blog and thought I started it out a changed person- only to realize that was just the beginning! I think differently now than I did when I started.

I suppose I bring this whole thing up because normally change scares us. It's funny because the change God has in store is always better for us and more beneficial... but even if the change is from God we run in the opposite direction because it's not comfortable. I know because I do the same thing.

Our God calls us to make "baby steps" otherwise he wouldn't have used the mustard seed (1-3mm in diameter) as an example of how much faith He wanted from you.

So right now I'm challenging you to do something for 40 days. There is something on your heart right now that is pressing and almost choking the life out of you because it's so stressful. Each morning you wake up think of that thing and give one little part of it to God at a time. For me it's a relationship... a bad one. The first thing I'm trying to let go of is my expectation of that person to be anything but what they are. Tomorrow who knows? I'm sure it will come to me because God always meets me where I'm at.

Love,

me

Day 39 Cancer was my gift.

I am proud of my kids, proud of my husband, proud of my family and proud of my parents. I very rarely take the time to look at where I've come from and how far I've traveled. God is proud of me, why shouldn't I be?

There was a time in my life when the weight of the things that happened to me this week both inside and outside the walls of my house would have sent me in a downward spiral of guilt, stress and depression. I would have made decisions based on these emotions and laid myself down as a door mat because that's all I thought I was good for.

However, instead I allowed God in- just a little- to have the bigger stuff I knew would do me no good to carry, and you know what happened? The world did not crumble around me. I said no and the earth did not go off it's axis. I put up a boundary and stuck to it and the result was not my fault and I did not take the blame.

I actually feel lighter. I have a little bounce in my step. Not because it's all peachy and life is roses. I have $.60 in my checking account and the other day we had scrambled eggs for dinner because that's all there was, I'm not sure where the money to fill our oil tank is coming from. These things could be weighing me down like a millstone around my neck. They used too constantly. I am going to say something that will seem odd and maybe even rub you the wrong way but it's the truth for me...

Cancer was a gift. It broke me. It broke my will, my idea I could handle it all, the myth I could do it on my own, and the lie that what I do is who I am. It rocked me to my core and left me shaking. I am who God made me- an heir to the King, in His image, to live life to the fullest. I had no idea the joy there was in trusting Him until I had nothing left to hold on to.

Love,

me

Day 38 God's in control, but of what?

When I here "God is in control" it makes me wonder. I believe that God is in control of the universe, but in control of us? I don't think so.

The definition of control is "a relation of constraint of one entity". I have a brain, a free will, desires, needs, natural instincts. I don't feel controlled by God, His rules, or His principles. However, because I love Him deeply I am compelled to allow Him to speak to my heart through scripture and sway my actions and thoughts toward love.

I really don't believe God wants little robot mini-me's. We place too much emphasis on "being Christian" acting and being the way we think we need to. How many times have you heard "I thought you were a Christian" or "that wasn't very Christian".... This type of thinking is completely backwards.

What if when someone came to know Jesus personally that we put more emphasis on Love? To begin at the begining with the most important commandment.

"Love the Lord your God with all of your heart." Luke 10:27a

Why not put the emphasis on how much God loves them and the grace that covers their sins and the patience He has for them through His word and have them fall in love with God? Then their motivation would be to do things out of love for God instead of doing things because they were told to, guilt, persuasion, or peer pressure- none of which are pleasing to God.

Love,

me

Day 37 An unexpected visit...

I knew they were coming for weeks, but nothing was going to prepare me. I had anticipated this moment since January 17th of 2006 yet when it came I was a deer in headlights. It seemed the time had come for Josiah to meet his birth mother.

A correspondence had begun months ago and had started out as a question from Josiah "which belly did I grow in mommy? Yours or Daddy's?" What followed was nothing short of a miracle in my eyes. Words of grace and love poured from my mouth explaining the woman that I had once hated with all my heart for making the decisions that she did regarding her life, her children and her addiction. It occurred to me that when I looked in my sons eyes I couldn't hate her. Even though she had given him up for adoption and he would have to live with that decision for the rest of his life, I had to love her so I could show him how to.

Years ago when she had first celebrated being clean for a year she asked if she could visit and I knew in my gut that it was not the right time. It was too soon for Josiah, too confusing and too stressful for us as a family. We knew the right time would come, but it wasn't then. So we waited and three years later there it was. Cheryl has been clean for four years now, has a great part time job at a local grocery store, and is attending college classes to work toward her goal of owning her own business. She is a different woman than I ever knew her to be- kind, gentle, patient, loving, honest and free.

Josiah seemed to be in love with Cheryl from the moment he saw her, and who can blame him? She has blossomed into a beautiful young lady full of life, the way God made her. Years ago I said no to the meeting because I had a gut feeling, years later I said yes because of that gut feeling. God wanted Josiah to meet the Cheryl that she has turned into and never to have known what she was before. The grace in that gesture from God blew me away.

So even though I knew this was coming for years, it was an incredibly unexpected visit.

Love,

me

Day 36 I'll take a small order of Jesus no pickles

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

Although this verse is in the Bible in black and white growing up in the church doesn't allow space for a young person to question. It's sad really, that's the time you should be encouraged to ask, learn, experiment, and find out what it is you really want to know. Instead, we are encouraged to sit quietly in the pew nodding in agreement the whole while stuffing our gut reactions down until we can't hear them anymore and we take all we hear from the pulpit as truth because a "Man of God" is speaking. We place them on a pedistal. In my opinion out of shear laziness on our parts. If we have someone to interpret, pray, and feed us then we don't have to get messy. It's like stopping at McChurch for a quick bite of religion.

I looked at the church to "feed" me for a long time. I liken it to that documentary "Fast Food Nation"... you are what you eat. If you constantly feed yourself fatty foods then you yourself become unhealthy and fat. If you are constantly downing religion with out any forethought on your own you run the risk of turning into what you've consumed and depending on who you trust to minister to you it could mean trouble.

Stop and think when someone gives you a snippet, a sound byte, a quote, or a parable... ask yourself these questions-

1. Is it biblical? Is this quote actually in scriptures or is it a paraphrased or misquoted verse, perhaps taken out of context

2. Do you trust the source? Just because someone has a collar doesn't mean they are perfect or have all of the answers

3. Don't trust your feelings. They lie and have little to do with the truth, if you want to trust something then trust the instinct the good Lord gave you! Research it.

It is my hope and prayer that I bring up my children in a household that it is ok to question and disagree, to form their own opinions and personal theology and not just trust me because I'm human.... very human.

Love,

me

Day 35 Use your brain for God's sake!

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way." ~C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters, 1943

Wish I could say I fit in the first category but the truth is me and my control issues slide comfortably into the second. It is such a struggle for me to just let things go. If they aren't doing it how I think they should- the best way in my eyes- then they are obviously wrong. Right? Ick... I hate this about myself. I like to think I'm pretty open minded but how can you be truly open to new ideas when you are automatically trying to control the situation?

I wonder how much I've missed by doing things my own way essentially led out of selfish motives like the desire to be in control. I also figure I have missed a great deal in "waiting" on this big voice from heaven to tell me what to do because I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. Well you know, that way I'll have someone to blame if it doesn't go right... ugh...

There has got to be a middle ground where I don't have to be in control all of the time yet I exercise the brain and free will given me by my creator to make good decisions not based on fear or guilt but love. Wonder what that looks like? When I wake up I'm trying it- one decision at a time.

Love,

me

Day 34 WINDEX PLEASE!

I had a dream... in it there were walking mirrors, each had a different reflection, I walked from one to the next and I was either distorted, or too short or too fat... none of them reflected me as I thought I was. I started to cry and felt a warmth behind me, I turned and there was a large, sparkling, mirror that went as far as I could see and in it was me and no one else... all of the other mirrors disappeared and I was all that was left. My reflection was not distorted just kind of foggy so I kept rubbing my eyes squinting to see what I REALLY looked like. The more I tried the clearer things got and I could see things I didn't know were there, scars and all. Although it wasn't how I had pictured myself it was the clearest reflection there was and I felt completely at peace with it.

I had this dream many years ago and I have never understood it until now. I think God was foreshadowing what I was going through this dark dessert time for. I have come to this point in me where I am starting to see myself as God sees me- honestly with my flaws and my strengths. The question is what do I do with this new information? Do I just accept it as my lot in life or do I ask myself "now what?" and try to navigate through life with this new information as my tool to make myself a healthier person?

It seems to me I've spent most of my life just "accepting" my lot and saying " *sigh* that's just how God made me"... but I stop and think, God didn't make me broken, He didn't make me scared, He didn't make me easily frustrated, quick to judge, even quicker to build walls rather than boundaries. I don't believe those things are naturally me, but what is? How many of us really know who we are when it's so much easier to drown out the hurt and shame with any one of the distractions at our finger tips? Besides it hurts so badly to peel the bandage off to see what's underneath.

The thing that is so awesome about God is that he doesn't expect you to jump in with both feet, he just wants a little effort, a tiny step and He can do unimaginable things with it.

The seeds of a mustard plant. Though a seed is very small, yet the height of the plant which grows from it is very great. (Matt. 13: 31)

Day 33 I'm hungry...

Did you ever get a craving for something like pizza and there isn't any in the house? You don't have the money to order out and there isn't anything in the fridge to make some so you eat something else, usually followed by something else and topped with more of something else. Nothing else seems to satisfy that craving except for the real thing. No matter how much we substitute other things, no matter how initially satisfying they are- it just doesn't compare.

When I was pregnant all I wanted to eat was cereal and ice cream I could not get enough milk products. After giving birth the doctors informed me of a calcium deficiency!

So stop and listen. Listen to your soul. Get quiet, alone, and listen. What are you craving? What is the one thing you desire? The answer may surprise you.

It surprised me.

Love,

me

Day 33 Imprisoned

I don't think it's an accident there are many times in the Bible believers have found themselves in prison. The word is found in the Bible 90 times. In most cases the person was wrongfully placed there or put there because of their beliefs. My question to you is this...

Are you in prison because of your beliefs?

Obviously I'm not speaking of a literal prison, but a place in your heart and mind where you feel trapped or constrained by your beliefs-held back, pinned down, suffocated even. Maybe you feel oppressed by others beliefs. Either way it seems backwards to me.

I had found myself feeling more and more constricted. I didn't have peace and freedom which was what God had promised me. Was it because God was lying or had I built so many walls and chained myself down with doctrine that I felt like I was being held hostage. Jesus came so that we may have life and have it abundantly. The very definition of abundant is plentiful or more than we need, so why do we walk around like zombies?

My theory is that I try to have everything I want instead of waiting for God to supply all I need. I interrupt His blessings with my agenda, I ignore his grace and wear my sin like a millstone, and I choose to focus on my past with all it's failures rather than a future of hope that He has promised me.

Love, at a certain point, is a decision. So just as I make a conscious decision to brush my teeth I have to decide to love me enough to let God close enough to break away the walls and cut the chains.

Then, when I am open and vulnerable, eyes squinting at the new found light, I will be free.

Love,

me

Day 32 Amazing Grace

"Grace means............ there is nothing we can do to make God love us more. And Grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us less." - Philip Yancey

Someone once told me that you show grace to the measure you have been shown. It seems almost contradictory to what I was brought up thinking that the more grace you show to others the more is shown to you. The longer I live the more I believe the first one more. You see I've always been a very cynical and judgmental person. Although I hated this trait I could not change it on my own. Until I had been shown the full depth of the grace of God I didn't understand what this supernatural thing grace really was.

Before I started this blog I went through a time of what now I can identify as "Christian Atheism" which meant I knew there was a God but I lived as though He did not exist*. I was sure that God kept a score card on everyone, if you do good- good things happen and vise-versa. I had been saved since I was 7 and I didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, or sleep around I had been a good Christian for so many years so why was I suffering so much? I saw the wicked progress daily... so I cursed Him, turned my back, stopped going to church and even got a visceral reaction when I heard people talk of His "goodness".

I was so busy getting rid of all the bad doctrine and false promises that I dumped all the good and real stuff too. I had forgotten all the words and promises from scripture. Promises that God wants me to prosper and not to plummet, that I was a child of the King, that I had a free will to change my circumstances, yet others had a free will to hinder me or even hurt me, but God loves me all of the time no matter what.

Even though I had turned my back on Him and all He had taught my heart and done in my soul He started to soften my heart. I did nothing to deserve it, I'll never repay Him, and I can't promise to never question again but He loves me just the same.

And that my friends is Amazing.

Love,

me

*The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel

Day 31 Burn the witch!

I like how all of us adults have relegated bullying to the youth... We fail to see the grown up versions of bullying like emotional abuse, verbal assaults based on our own moral judgment calls and finally manipulation. I see all of these things on a daily basis in places like family, church and with in adult friendships. How do we expect our children to act differently?

It's so easy to peg people into categories and then judge them accordingly- which is funny because we all have our own versions of what the worst sin is. You talk to some people and they would rather sit next to an bank robber than a homosexual.

We hear stories of how in the old times they would burn you if they thought you were a witch or throw you over a cliff... if you flew back up in the sky you were a witch and got away, however if you were innocent you plummeted to your demise.

Have you bullied anyone over the edge? Lord help us.

Love,

me

Day 30 Man I'm bad at this...

I always thought I was good at making friends. I'm pretty nice, I try to be easily approachable and welcoming, I've always done my best to accept everyone no matter what. These last few days have been a blow to the gut. I'm not being too hard on myself, I'm being real and honest with who I am and what I've done to land myself in this position... which as I see it is kind of lonely.

The Bird family *my maiden name* has always been convinced we have a tattoo on our foreheads that either says "dump here" or "use me". You can ask anyone of us and we'll sheepishly nod in agreement. Unfortunately for us it's created an inability to create lasting friendships that has been passed down through the generations that almost cripples us. We are under the impression whether consciously or unconsciously that this person before us our "friend" will only be around long enough to get what they need from us and leave. So we are open ourselves up... to a point, and instead of building healthy boundaries we start to build walls. It is a practice that keeps us safe, and very lonely. Each one of us seems to have that one person, all-be-it a spouse in most cases, that we are totally vulnerable to.

I've always thought that the dozens of friendships that ended so heartbreaking-ly bad was the result of me being used up and thrown away. This past week of taking a real hard look at myself has proven that some of those have ended because I was too scared to be loved. In order to allow myself to be loved, to connect, to truly be in communion with someone means my heart is in their hands. Just typing this brings tears to my eyes because it frightens me.

God, I no longer wish my fear of the past to determine my future. You gave me the will and strength to change it and I want to.

Love,

me

Day 29 More fun than a slinky...

I had the most fun today.

Although my back is still tied in knots and my head is swimming from pain killers I find myself smiling none-the-less. I had an absolutely enlightening, mind bending, belief questioning, faith testing discussion with a self-proclaimed radical athiest. What a blast!

Taking the time to explore my beliefs and my core values is why I started this blog. I have come to realize that this gentleman and I have quite a bit in common. In fact, we both find this quote amusing:

If there is a God, atheism must seem to Him as less of an insult than religion.

-Edmond de Goncourt

Atheism says there is no God period; however, religion tries to humanize Him, de-glorify Him, box Him in, and use Him for their own personal purpose and agenda.

I'm so glad for this experience. What a refreshing way to re-ignite my passion for God than to figure out what it is that I truly believe about Him!

Today I believe He simply is. That may not sound like a lot to you, but for me it's everything.

Love,

me

Day 28 Crap happens...

There are few things in life you can count on, and you can chalk it up to the pessimist in me if you like, but one of those things is bad news.

It could be I grew up with the saying- bad things come in three's! SO even when things were going great I was waiting, because surely something awful was about to happen. Just typing this makes my stomach turn. How many wasted hours of our lives do we spend worrying, fretting, over analyzing or just plain petrified of what lies around the bend? In a way I hope when I get to heaven I can see a pie chart of my life... cause I know my God's just as crazy about them as I am- hehe! I want to know what percentage I spent sleeping, eating, planning, dreaming, and most of all I'm morbidly curious to see how much time I spend worrying.

If you really think about how useless worrying is, I can't help but think it's the devils most effective tool. When we worry, we do little else about the situation at hand- we aren't thinking of a solution, we aren't working toward an end, we are paralyzed by worry.

So how do we stop worrying? One thing I've learned about changing my behavior is that I must change my mind first. The very reason for this blog is to replace the lies in my heart with the truth. The truth about worrying is that in fact it does nothing, and keeps me from doing something. The truth from the bible I hold on to about being anxious is this:

John 16:33

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Love,

me

Day 27 Me me me! Pick me! What??? Never mind!

I almost started out today's entry with "we" but I'm trying to be real so I'll just fess up here instead of deflecting...

I am so eager to do stuff for attention, maybe it's the youngest child thing, maybe it's cause as a mom it's all about everyone else, maybe it's just how I'm wired. I have always admired stage crews, the behind-the-scenes people that make it all come together but get none of the credit. They aren't standing on the stage at the end of the big show bowing, they never get any applause, but they don't work any less than the actors. Wish I could be so humble.

I have a short attention span to boot so I'm in it till things get hairy or really hard and then I would start to wonder if it's "God's Will" or not..... I believe God's will is that we live life to the fullest and that includes ups & downs. Needless to say marriage has been interesting...but I'll leave that one for another day:)

When we are constantly seeking attention it is impossible to give anyone ours. When people sat at Jesus' feet He was there- not just His body, He was present with His whole self- giving, loving, experiencing, enjoying, ministering...

Which brings me to my favorite quote of all times, probably because I struggle with it everyday...

"Witness at all times. If necessary, use words." St. Frances De Sales

Love,

me

Day 26 Watermelon Juice...

Somethings my kids do just make me scratch my head. They aren't wrong or bad, just weird in my opinion. No matter what Jo is eating if there is juice left over he'll drink it, and Libby has to wait until I open the car door to take off her seatbelt. I try not to harp on them about it, I don't want to give them a complex. I just want them to figure things out on their own and if it's dangerous- I stop them and correct them.

I think a lot of things in our lives are similar to this, but because some people don't have anything else better to do they sit around and categorize EVERY thing into right and wrong when in reality some stuff just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Some stuff doesn't hinder or help people get to heaven, it just is.

Matthew 22: 37 says "Love the Lord with all your heart, with all your soul and all your mind. Love your neighbor as yourself."

I think God put all these things in the order that best benefits us and is logical to Him. First we love Him with our heart- our emotions are tied to Him, then it grows deeper into our souls and our very being is intertwined with His, then finally the battleground of our minds because lets face it after the honeymoon phase love is a decision. Then next love your neighbor as yourself- I think we can only love us after we've learned what God sees in us... and THEN we can truly love others.

All of that stuff is important and if we're concentrating on the things that don't matter we miss it. So go ahead, drink the watermelon juice at the bottom of your bowl. It won't hurt:)

Love,

me

Day 25 What's this stuff comin' out my eyes?

Touched by God, my heart pounding, lump in my throat barely breathing

Forever and a day since I've felt the warmth of your power and I'm reeling

My eyes turned inward for so long, feeling pain, picking up pieces left by being broken and beaten

So easily forgotten or covered over by the masses so hard to see your hands in me not even glasses

Can undo the mire that's covered both my eyes

So spit into your hands and clear away the mud

I open up my eyes and out comes the flood

What is this stuff that escapes me so intently?

Tastes like salt water but so gently

It clears away the dark inside, the hurt that I have tried to hide,

the aching feeling leaves my soul, the tears come out and I feel whole.

Love,

me

Day 24 Gut check!

UGH! One of THOSE days... You know the kind right? Nothing on earth is set to move in your direction. You have to go against the grain to do anything at all- which if you have small children and you are a mom that counts going to the bathroom alone! Forget a shower! You drop everything, all you want is a nap, you work insanely hard but at the end of it you can show NOTHING because not one thing got finished, at the end your left exhausted and behind!

I wonder sometimes what heaven will be like because the opposite of one of those days is heavenly to me. I get things done that have been on my list forever, I have abounding energy, positive attitude and extreme focus. I feel invincible!

How messed up is that? My idea of heaven- being with and worshiping my creator for the rest of eternity- and I liken it to ME feeling invincible. Wow. Talk about a gut check.

So inward, so self centered, so unbelievably absorbed in my own world.

Lord help me.

Love,

me

Day 23 Tapestry? I have hard time seeing the thread...

For several years now I've heard people describe their spiritual life as a grand tapestry, God is the weaver and we can only see bits and pieces, or even the back of it- but we won't understand what all the ugly pieces are until we see the whole tapestry when life is o'er.....la la la...

To be honest I guess I'm just not that romantic anymore. Something has happened in me, it's not that I'm bitter and resentful, just more honest with myself than I used to be. I used to use all sorts of artsy colorful language to describe the Great I AM and my walk with Him. It was exhausting. He deserves grand exuberation and praise, but honest, wholehearted, stripped down to the bone worship --I think-- is what His true preference is... well at least I hope it is cause that's me.

I love God. I truly love Him. Not because of any wonderful thing I have to show for it here in my hands, but my heart is different. My mind is changed. My soul is more healed than it once was.

Scars will always be there to remind me where I've been, but God will always be there to tell me who I am.

Love,

me

Day 22 After cancer a good day is measured differently...

I woke up this morning.

I walked with out any pain.

I hugged my kids every chance I got.

I went to a baseball game, taught my boy to take off his hat as he gazed at the flag.

I stood for the national anthem and got tears in my eyes.

I sat next to a drunk guy who was very happy to be cheering on the team.

I got to see an old friend.

I got to help someone who needed it.

I got to be with my parents.

I got to hold my lovers hand.

I got to tell the people I care for I love them.

I get to go to bed with some peace.

Today was a good day.

Love,

me

Day 21 Distractions abound...

I need to fold that blanket, I should have hung up my guitar, wish kev would put his boots away so I don't trip, the kids didn't pick up their toys like I asked them, wonder if the postman went already? I really got to mail that package- maybe I'll go to the post office later, I can't I have to go to mom & pops, should I take lunch? I have heart burn, wonder where I put my Tums- oh they're right beside that unfolded blanket... you get the point.

My brain could be the death of me... When you have bipolar it's not the outward stuff that drives you nuts it's your own damn brain. Although fits of rage, moments of clarity, feeling invincible and then curling up in the fetal position waiting to die will reek havoc on everyone around you- it's not what usually bothers you as the bipolar person the most... it's the quiet when your brain goes places you never thought there was, very dark, very hidden, out of touch places. It's like walking into a cave that has many tunnels all interwoven and none of them go the same place but they all get dark very quickly and finding your way out proves almost impossible.

It's in these times my hope and peace dissipate faster than your cheap friend when the check shows up... Do I believe God loves me? Ofcourse. Do I think He likes playing tricks on me? To be honest yes sometimes I do. That doesn't mean it is true, it's just a feeling and feelings are ok to have no matter what ANYone tells you. The thing about feelings is you need to eventually track down the truth.

The truth has been a slippery thing to hang on to lately so I'm looking for it on purpose. So does He care about me? 1 in a bazillion that is here and has gone before me? My problems, my hang ups, my baggage, me- with my dreams?

As a Christian my truth is God's word so if I look at that it tells me-

Cast all your troubles on Him for He cares for you. I Peter 5:7

The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring

me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever

and ever. Amen. 2 Timothy 4:18

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:2

As a human I need proof. Just being honest.

Love,

me

Day 20 Guess I've put it off long enough...

I'm the worst procrastinator you'll ever meet. Some will read this and spit their coffee out because they know me... still....

When I miss a day of something, no matter what it is I can guilt myself until I am completely paralyzed. Medicine, work outs, writing, cleaning, if I can't do it everyday with some regularity I don't do it. It's not because I don't desire to... I just don't. I have many many flaws, but this is one character flaw in myself that I find absolutely irritating.

I heard someone say "You do what you want to do and you don't do what you don't want to do." It sounds so simple, yet it is so profound. There are goals in my life I'd like to think are attainable but this trait in me is so debilitating it's hard to think there is a light at the end of my tunnel.

So here's my second shot at being Closer to God cause out of all my goals this is the one I want the most.

Love,

me

Day 19 I am that wretch....

Nothing makes you feel it quite like realizing you've been acting like a spoiled brat in the face of the God of love and sacrifice. Nothing can mask the shame you feel after spitting on the blessings of a King to His servant. And to know on top of all the shame there is the stinging truth of the cross. A truth that is so evident to me right now on my face at the foot of it that all my tears can't wash it away, my heart is so heavy with sorrow.

You lift me up even through the tantrums, you carry me through the closed doors, you protect my safety while I'm cursing your name. And all of this because you love a wretch like me?

It is so overwhelming, so disturbing, so earth shattering to me. Your peace rocks me out of comfort and into a new light once again. This goes to prove again you speak loud and clear and with out hesitation through the distractions and straight to my heart and when I finally am stunned by your grace and I am quiet enough to hear the booming words " I love you, I love you, I love you" it brings me to my knees. Wash me.

Love,

me

Day 18 So much noise...

Did you ever wonder why life is so distracting? I have been the last 48 hours because I've had so much less distracted than usual. There is the obvious stress of my dad facing risky surgery, but the normal distractions- namely Josiah & Libby- aren't here with me. They are my favorite little distractions:) They keep me busy playing, hugging, thinking, cleaning, etc... These last couple days has me looking inward for lack of anything else to do, and I'll tell you it's scary in there!

Most of us try to keep ourselves busy to avoid this sort of thinking I would guess because it makes us so uncomfortable. So many regrets, so many open doors, so much hurt left unhealed- letting light into those dark rooms allows us to see all those things we've thrown into the closet and hoped to forget about.

Disappointment ranks pretty high on that list for me. Feeling like I could have done more, said more, been more... If I think on it too long it starts to crush me like a thousand stones on my back. A little while ago I heard something that in my 20 plus years of being a Christian and going to church I never heard. God is never disappointed in me.

This was such a foreign concept that it still stuns me. If you think about it though it's true- it is impossible for God to be disappointed. Disappointment happens when an expectation is not met. If God were to have been disappointed in us He would have to expect something different than what we did. Do we suprise God? Certainly not! He knows every hair on our head, there's nothing about our character that is going to catch Him off guard.

So sitting alone here I'm letting God take each stone from my back one by one because that's the best I can do for now, and that's ok.

Love,

me

Day 16 I can't hear you!

The house is so quiet this morning....except for deep restful breaths from my love curled up on the couch asleep. As excited as I am to get on the road and start our little mini-vaca I'm just as stressed and tied up in knots over my dad's impending surgery. I've been at this place too many times to count. Since I was 3 years old my dad has had heart attacks, strokes, DVT, flown to Geisinger, shocked back to life on several occasions, and now a major thoracic surgery.

I know he needs it, the latest trip to the ER nailed for me... the doctors were trying to find out if my dad had been in a bad car accident because his organs were so messed up. You see he had a hyetal hernia about 12 years ago that his heart wasn't strong enough to operate on and it's ended up that half his digestive system is now in his chest cavity encroaching on his lungs and heart.

We call my dad Robo-Pop, partly because of his Pacer/Cardio Defibrillator and partly because he seems invincible. From the first heart attack he said God spoke to him and told him nothing could hurt him, not while God still wanted him here. That's given my dad peace for almost 30 years and continues to hold him together through all of this.

Wish I could hear him speak to me, but it's hard to hear over all my doubt and stress. God, speak to me please, let your peace rest in me.

Love,

me

Day 15 A little poetry for a rainy day...

The rain is cold it makes me so tired and there's no sunshine to bask, just mud to be mired in.

Roots are stretching and leaves are swollen, grass is saturated with water drops fallen.

The wind is curling around every limb, through every space that you see blue in.

The warmth is all gone, the bitterness lingers, like evil outstretched witches fingers.

Oh how my desire for warmth consumes me, come like a blanket and send your peace through me.

Surround all my thoughts with the glow of your laughter, fill up my mind from the floor to the rafters.

The scent of new growth invades my senses as sunshine from the east reflects of the fences.

How is it that rain that brought on such cold have proven to fertilize colors so bold?

Love,

me

Day 14 Uh-oh, Jesus forgot something!

Children are unrelenting balls of energy with their own personalities, agendas, and hearts bursting with joy. Their imaginations never stop, until stifled. I do everything in my power to encourage creativity and free thinking in my kids. I aim to never just shut them up, but hear them out no matter how crazy it sounds to me. They are a little person and deserve to be heard just as much as I do... maybe even more.

You see, when they have an idea nothing stops them them from blurting it out- we tend to censor ourselves and that particular part of a kids brain doesn't exist until they are tainted by the world and made to think that what they have to say isn't as important to everyone else. I hope my kids know that what they have to say and think is of utmost importance to me. That way when they get older they have a good sense of themselves, free to express and articulate the way the feel and think inside.

I was walking Josiah to school one day and we passed by a church with a wooden cross displayed in the front yard. The cross had a white piece of cloth draped over it, which to us Christians symbolizes hope of the reserrection. For Josiah initially it meant nothing, but he stopped and stared at it. He said "Mom! Jesus forgot his scarf- we'll have to take it to Him in Heaven." I said "Don't worry Joey, He'll be back for it." "Cool, mom", yeah, really cool.

Love,

me

Day 14 Shoot for the moon, but you won't land on it.

Ugh... I feel unmotivated, tired, lazy, and stuck. My house is a disaster after the yard sale, nothing is in it's place and I'm way behind on housework. It's easy to feel like a failure isn't it?

It's not as easy to feel like a success. I'd like to think I'm awesome, but the truth is I don't. I feel like I fail at lots of things in life. Why is that? Well, I've come to realize in my life I shoot for perfection- which isn't all bad, but expecting perfection is unrealistic.

I loved Physics class. It didn't love me- but it was so interesting. Mostly at the end because our teacher would let us challenge him by asking him anything we could think of to be explained by physics. One of the things we learned about was the path of trajectory. In order to hit a target you have to account for gravity pulling down the path of the object you are hurling toward your target.... because of gravity you aim slightly higher.

In life, there is gravity-lot's of things pull down our best efforts-sometimes its circumstances, other people, or time. We try our hardest and sometimes we still miss our mark. It's frustrating and depressing. But why isn't it exciting? I mean we are learning what to do next time we try. Changing my perceptions has been the hardest thing about this new life in Christ, but there is freedom in it and for that I'm thankful.

Love,

me

Day 13.5 Second try:)

I love being an artist. I use that term loosely, I'm no professional. Actually, I think all of us are artists. God made us in His image and he is the ultimate creative being. Absolutely everyone I have ever met has a way to express themselves, whether it's talking, singing, painting, creating with wood, clay, wire, or metal... and that is art.

With every stroke of my brush I release my self onto the canvas, I think even more so when I sing. I am able to express emotions in songs that I could never portray in spoken words. God can be so different to me from day to day... my perception that is. I was staring at a mountain this afternoon and I thought- gee how many times do I look at the mountain and say "what a beautiful mountain" but if I were on the mountain looking down I would most definitely say "look at that view, it's breathtaking"... I guess it's where you are in life. Like I had mentioned in an earlier post about Monet's works of art. Everyone knows that up close they look like a smattering of color carelessly thrown on canvas, but if you back up you start to see the spots of color form shapes that make sense to our brains. It's something we can now grasp and understand.

There are periods in my life that are a mess and I don't think I'll ever get "far away" from them to see them make sense, and the truth is it may never make sense to me in this lifetime. I wonder if that's why heaven feels so far away, maybe it will take all that distance to see this divine tapestry's beauty.

Love,

me

Day 13 Just another Manic Sunday?

Today is a very manic day and I can't concentrate on anything. It's so frustrating. But it's me and God loves me just this way and no other.

Thank you so much God.

Love,

me

Day 12 Carry death to have life

2 Cor 4:10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

Did you ever lose someone so completely essential to your life that you thought of them everyday? I must say I have experienced a lot of death in my short life and it was extremely painful, but I have been lucky enough to not lose a parent, a child or my spouse. I imagine the pain is just simply unbearable to the point where you just can't pick yourself up on your own strength.

People wonder why I like crucifixes, it reminds me of the pain Christ took for my sins- and the life He gave up for my freedom. If I don't think about this everyday I can't possibly live my life to the fullest because I would be totally hopeless and held down by a weight of sins that was too heavy for me to carry.

Love,

me

Day 11 Even Satan gets it right now and then...

...fundamental “house rule” governing our members’ obligation towards each other. The Church functions as a mutual admiration society, a refreshing change from the climate of back-biting and disrespect that is rampant in society. Thus, those who affiliate are not required to like, appreciate, or praise one another—which should be expected with an association of wildly diverse individuals, however they must refrain from publicly attacking or antagonizing each other....

I have been "saved" or have known of God since I was 7 years old. Ever since then I have been intrigued by both sides of the story so to speak. In junior high I wrote an essay on satanism because it was interesting to me- let's not confuse that with attractive- because it was not. In fact, it scared the crap out of me, and that's why I researched it. I don't like to be scared. Fear is usually of the unknown.

I wanted to learn so I read, researched and found some interesting things. One such thing was this piece at the beginning. It's an excerpt from the "Affiliation of the Church of Satan".I found it extremely depressing. How sad is it that people who worship the incarnation of evil have more respect for one another than the Body of Christ?

God help us,

me

Day 10 Check yourself at the door...

There is a distinct part of life that’s glossed over by us Christians. The period you start dealing with something and stressed until the time you give up your will and burden to Christ. Most of us live in that space, but no one talks about it, we all say we’re fine when we aren’t, that “God is in Control” when we don’t really buy it. I don’t think that this type of fake joyful mindless banter helps anyone. It forces us to suck it up and not go through our process of grief or loss and portrays to other Christians that they will eventually get to a point when things stop hurting or bothering us and that doesn’t happen till we get to heaven.

I think it especially does damage to those who don’t know Christ because they can see through it. They see us pushing down our emotions and picking up the generic cross of cookie cutter Christians and get this idea they have to lose who they are in order to know Christ and the truth is we are hurting just as bad as they are. If they knew that the only real difference between us was forgiveness- that there wasn’t this huge gap between them and God that we make up with our prideful ways then I think they’d be more willing to travel that short distance to find God so to speak.

Somehow, though it feels better to know something others don’t, to be accepted somewhere others aren’t, into this special club almost. The church from my perspective has turned into a club that we need to check our real selves at the door to gain admittance. Once in a while there is a small a glimpse into what it could be like during a service- but many times we can’t make time for that because it tears off the scab on our own wounds and FORCES us to feel that pain we’ve been shoving down for so long.

What if someone for the sake of love stood up and aired it all out, in order to show that life won’t end; that there is acceptance, freedom, love and peace in being yourself, the one God made and loves and not the one you think you need to be to be a Christian?

love,

me.

Day 9 I love homosexuals...

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. The few that I've had the pleasure of knowing have something in common. Self-acknowledgement. I'm not sure this is a word really, but here's my definition of it... Acknowledging ones strengths, weaknesses, and gifts- being true to that and standing up for it in the face of much adversity.

Whether you agree with the lifestyle or not- you have to admire a persons strength and honor in their convictions. Well maybe you don't, maybe you would rather write them off completely based on what you see as a weakness or sin... instead of looking deep inside of you to see why you feel that way. What are you overlooking in your self or ignoring because it's too much trouble to bring it out and deal with it head on?

The simple fact is that no one has this life thing figured out, but the ones that are diving into it head on aren't afraid of looking in the mirror. Jesus hung out with all kinds of people because everyone needs Him, He hung on the cross because He loved them all the same.

Love,

me

Day 8 Quiet time with God?

Ahhhhhh.... quiet. I'll enjoy it while it lasts cause it - never mind it's over. With children, tv, internet, traffic, heaters, ticking clocks, etc quiet time seems like it's a million miles away. I guess that's why I don't think God whispers, I think He yells to get over all the other noise. I mean if your kid was rushing into traffic would you calmly whisper or scream at the top of your lungs? It's not like I'm constantly headed for trouble but most times I'm clearly not paying attention!

The thought of God yelling seems un-refined... but I don't think it's the same as us. We get red in the face, out of breath, upset, and shaky-personally, I think God's voice is just naturally big- because God is big. We constantly try to humanize Him in order to relate... I'm glad He isn't like me. I'm terribly impatient, quick to anger, easily discouraged, fragile, shallow, and a bunch of other things I don't want to be- but I am.

I'm imperfect. My favorite saying is "Be patient with me, God's not done with me yet." So in that I try, but fail miserably, to be patient with other works in progress. Because even though we are so far from complete- God speaks to us and through us.

Love,

me

Day 7

“This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. (This is an apocryphyal story, but still useful for illustration.)

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

I have little to add to this as it has rendered me speechless. Lord speak to me.

Love,

me

Day 6 I'm listening...

Something has changed in me in these past few days. Listening instead of talking when I pray. Most times all I hear is silence, or my mind switches gears and I start thinking of the laundry, dishes, money, etc. But it's still blessing me to be quiet with God, even if it only lasts a few minutes.

You know when you've got that friend you can just chill with, no expectations, if you fell asleep they'd cover you with a blanket, and not magic marker- that's how I see God in part. I can't possibly grasp the entire being of God, He's too big and powerful. So small glimpses of God help me know Him better, but don't describe Him in entirety. You'll have to excuse my randomness this morning....

So have you ever been up before the sun and hear the birds chirping? That's happened to me a few times before. This morning I thought, "why are they singing? it's so dark?" but they knew that the sun was coming. God I wish I had that faith. When my darkest time came I couldn't sing, and even if I had the ability I'm sure I wouldn't have. I wasn't sure the sun was coming out ever again. I curled up and laid down out of exhaustion, defeat and hopelessness, and instead of walking away, He covered me.

Love,

me

Day 5 God helps those who help themselves?

Ok so needless to say I'm not as amped up as I was yesterday. By the way I found $50 in change AND there wasn't any fee for a yard sale permit. Which, since it's raining, is even better. On top of that the DARE street fair is right next to us so we couldn't ask for more foot traffic. Looks like it will all work out in the end.

I needed some freak out time. It lets me process all the things in my head, organize them and tackle them. I suppose it's a "God helps those who help themselves" mentality. I don't know if I'm proud of that or not. That phrase doesn't seem to be biblical I can't find it any where. It's known as a "phantom verse" those old sayings that get linked in with our personal theology and way of thinking even though they are the opposite of God's actual teaching...

Prov 28:26 (NIV) He who trusts in himself is a fool...

Personally I was always taught to suck it up, there's no use in crying, deal with it, etc. In my journey to understand things more clearly God is telling me the opposite of what man has been telling me all my life... Lean not on your own understanding, cast your cares on me for I care for you, my (Gods) yoke is easy and my burden light, Jesus wept (so it's ok for me too), etc.

So here's a glimpse of why I decided to dump my shoe box and start over. I'm tired of other peoples theology becoming mine with no forethought on my behalf.

I will know Jesus PERSONALLY or not at all.

Love,

me

Day 4 And I'm outta funny & nice and it's only 8:30 am

"Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Does she not light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it?" Luke Parable of the Lost Coin...

Ok so this parable was originally intended to demonstrate God's love for us in that He would go to the ends of the earth to find us and then all would rejoice upon your being found and repenting. I have to say that particular part of it was lost completely on me as I was frantically dealing with one of the worst financial situations we've been in since we were married and that's saying something- we've been married almost 11 years, and we've had lot's of really bad situations.

So how did I think of this parable? Well it occurred to me while I was scouring my ENTIRE house with my husband looking for every penny we could find just to purchase a damn yard sale permit to sell everything we could possibly live with out so we could survive. This chick knew where EVERY penny she owned was, that's how she knew she was missing one. Tell me, with the change in your pocket, your car, your bed stand, your couch cushions, and your cookie jar- do you know what you've got? Even when we are "broke" we have more than any third world person makes in a day.

So maybe just maybe God popped those versus in my head to hear the end " 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.' In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents".... Maybe my view needs to be broader than just the nose on my face.

Life is like a Monet- up close and personal it can seem like a big mess, but once you step back you can see a beautiful work of art.

I'll be honest I'm not there yet, but I'd like to be.

Love,

me

Day 3 Weigh way down...

Alright I have a theory... bare with me this may not come out great, but hopefully will make sense.

In my first blog I wrote that I thought the best way to grow closer to God is to "listen with your whole life". Way down in the depths of us I think each area of our lives(physical, spiritual, emotional, etc) is a portal that could potentially let God in, that we could hear Him calling us. However, they get caked up with things we do on our own free will, and things done to us by the world like circumstances and others using their free will to hurt us. You see, there are places in my life so gunked up with baggage and issues that I couldn't hear God screaming my name if I tried....

The first portal that came to my mind was weight because, well... I can see it everyday, I'm reminded of how helpless I feel, how I am held back by a fat suit- so to speak. Of course I have tried everything that's come along, and even made a valiant effort at living organic and working out 6 days a week for several months. All of these failed because I never searched myself truly to see the reason I eat what I do in the manner that I do. At the bottom of this mess is the desire to be comforted and full, not to eat- but eating is what has been filling that need- OUCH!

Ok, this is painful but in a way it is also freeing.

Do yourself a favor and think about the portals to your heart, what's keeping God and people out?

Love,

me

Day 2 Dirty Laundry

I'm thinking right now is a good time to share my struggles with you in a short but sweet manner and that way you can decide for yourself if you can relate to me. Because ultimately- if you don't relate to me- much of what I say will be useless to you...

I've always hated laundry. Everything about it sucks- touching other peoples unmentionables, sorting, washing each to there own specs, going down to a cold scary basement to switch loads, carrying the heavy piles up and down two flights of stairs, folding and putting it away- blech! But there is something about this process that is spiritual if you think about it. Today I'm going to "air my dirty laundry"...

Load 1: Weight- a heavy one to think about and carry.

Load 2: Money- never enough of it, and when there was (once upon a time) I squandered it.

Load 3: Relationships- I'm hard to get close to, hard to manage when you are, not to mention a tad self-centered.

Load 4: Religion- for lack of a better term this refers to my relationship with God, the way I portray that to others, and the road of recovery from years of indoctrination in the 'church'.

So I've sorted it, touched it, owned it, and starting tomorrow we'll clean up the mess one day at a time. Starting with number one, weight.... ugh... God I love you, but this is going to be way harder than I thought.

Love,

me

Day 1

Starting is so easy for me- it's finishing that gets tough. All my life I've been told that to be closer to God you must pray and read your Bible... However, I disagree. Not completely, don't get me wrong, these are important. But I think it's more important to listen. Listen with your whole life. What does that mean? I plan on finding out.

Well after "knowing Jesus" for almost my entire life it took 3+ years of intense trial and heart break to finally listen.

So I dumped my shoe box, the one that held everything I EVER believed about God, Church, and being a Christian and I'm listening. God teach me.